Back Again

Well, I found this ol' blog and have decided to dust it off and write in it again. Many things have changed since I last blogged here. I have to reread some of the old stuff and see where it left off.

The Holiday Letdown

It's New Year's Day and the holidays are over. I always see this as the downward slide into summer...hot, unbearable summer. Yes, I'm off my meds. It's really catching up with me now. I can't sleep well, I barely feel awake. I'm in the high anxiety/manic mode.
Tomorrow I'll get my refills though and I'll be ok.
I don't even feel like watching the Rose Parade.
I feel like I'm going to explode out of my skin. Looks like it's tranquilizer time.

Oh Yeah, Laughlin

Laughlin was fun. We hung out with another couple the whole time which was exhausting. We did alot of walking...and eating...and gambling. I like Laughlin but it shuts down at 9pm seems like. I won some money which hubby promptly lost.
I hate going to the psychiatrist. He asks all these questions about my life and made me promise to exercise. He seems to be against the lapband surgery too.
Too bad. I'm getting it. I'm tired of my weight and I want fast results. I'm not going to lie about that. I want fast results.
All this stuff about diet and exercise is bullshit. It sells products, that's it. I believe the person who loses weight that way is a rarity. I despise the self-righteousness of those who live a "healthy" lifestyle.
I have a medical problem and it can be solved by surgery. I know it will be a trial: I will be on a liquid diet for quite awhile. I will have to modify my eating behaviors. I may even exercise, what the hell.

Well, it's November

Halloween flew by and now we're on the downhill to Christmas, zipping towards Thanksgiving pretty quickly.
Today is my appointment with psychiatrist.
I did get SSDI agan. *whew*
Hubby is home...we went to get an Xbox 360 so finally I can play Oblivion!
I just ran a gauntlet of socializing and I'm tired. I lose energy when around other people...something about the interaction.
Well, this is an unusually calm post...been more depressive than manic lately.

Happenings

Whew, been a whole month or two since last post. You are, no doubt, missing my bitchy entries oh audience of one or less, no?
Well, first of all, those bastards want to cancel my SSDI. So I have to appeal. Those fuckers better ok me for another 5 years...I am pretty sick. I'm struggling with a fairly new diagnosis: bi-polar II.
It really does explain my symptoms best.
Going to Laughlin this weekend...first vacation in years. Hopefully the monsters will stay in their caves and let me have a good time.

Oh I Am In Such A Bad Mood

Ok, I'm already off my meds which is bad enough but now I find out the computer that was given to me is basically a big piece-of-shit, worthless paperweight.
The LA Catholic church has to pay out millions to abused innocents. They ought to pay with the balls of the molesters on a platter. NO anesthesia.
I don't give a shit where Beckham and his anorexic bobble-head looking wife go or what they do. I sure as fuck don't give a shit if they come to America.
I have a new game and can't play it.
I doubt the complete veracity of the Bible, not because God screwed it up but perhaps humanity did.
Everything I hold to be true seems like a bunch of bullshit right now.
I feel like stuffing many donuts in my mouth.
I am so angry from the heat, I just want to rip someone's fucking lungs out.
I have been wanting to get out of the house, run errands, just escape but I'm not allowed.
I
HATE
MY
LIFE

My House

My house is a mess. I don't mean that jokingly. I don't mean that self-deprecatingly like these women with clean houses who bleat "Oh my house is a mess!"
It is close to being a fire hazard kind of mess. And I am so ashamed.
I don't like people to come in. I don't like to open the door. It's a peculiar isolation, the shame of a filthy house. My husband is disgusted with it. I don't blame him.
I feel powerless. Yes, "clean it" is the obvious solution. I just don't have it upstairs to maintain the house, myself or my life. Sometimes I just don't want to be alive. I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
I am afraid alot. I screw up alot. I just don't know how I can go on like this.