Buffet

...meaning I'll probably ramble about some random stuff.
I saw two different movies this weekend. The first one I saw was called "The Hours." It is three stories intertwined: one story about a 50s housewife who is secretly a lesbian but is slowly dying inside as she sacrifices herself to her husband and community's ideals of femininity and normalcy. Her anguish is witnessed only by her little son.
The second story is about a modern-times woman who is openly in a lesbian relationship, she and her lover live together. This woman is also obsessed with having a party for a dying male friend (possibly a former lover?). The third story is that of Virginia Woolf, writer of Mrs. Dalloway (A book that I'm gonna have to read now).
The stories intertwine and as a whole, the movie was, frankly, depressing with two suicides at the end. Regardless, it was engrossing because it had almost a mystical quality as the lives of these women seemed to interact with Ms. Woolf's writing of her story. At one point she decides "not to kill the heroine" of her story almost as if she senses the future impact. This decision coincides with a very crucial moment in the life of the 50s woman. There are more twists and the main characters are interesting in their desperation. I spent the movie hoping that they'd find some kind of peace and they did, kind of. It left me a little dissatisfied though it was an excellent film.
Not every movie that ends in a couple of deaths leaves me depressed. One of my favorite movies, The Last of the Mohicans, came on tonight. Two sisters come to America to be with their father right in the middle of the French-Indian War (I think...) and their dad is a British commander. Right away, the girls' fate gets all tied up with three men, two Mohicans and one white man raised almost from birth by the Mohicans.
I can't really tell the story at all without ruining it but it's one of my favorite movie themes: when people teach each other, and learn through, love. In this case it's a story of sacrificial love and redemption and the characters are less than perfect. But the way they love each other is perfection. What greater love is there than to lay your life down for another? Or so the story goes...I usually start tearing up halfway through the movie and I'm openly crying by the end. It's a good catharsis if you need to cry and the story, while sometimes very grim, is uplifting because of that theme of love. There are tons of heartstopping romantic moments in this movie too. If you're into that sort of thing. Which I definitely am. ;)
On a more serious but somewhat related note:
I need to mourn alot of people who have died in the past few years. I don't like feelings. I'd rather be numb than have to go through feelings of loss and sorrow. I can't be numb anymore though...not without some serious alcohol and drug abuse. I choose not to do that self-destructive stuff any more.
So I need to mourn and I'm not sure how. It's been recommended to me that I go to a bereavement support group. I'm considering it. I've been considering counseling too. Once again, I find myself at a turning point in life or a point where I need to grow as a person. During these times, I find myself drawing closer to God and I seek out spiritual ideas and experiences. I tend to read more too, books about whatever it is I'm struggling with. I may go on over to Amazon after this and browse and possibly order a book or two...or maybe one of those themed, guided journals. Those have always worked well for me.
I talked to a friend who has a newborn baby today and I felt that sorrow again, that sense that I'm not quite a complete woman without having had children. On a conscious level, I reject that idea...but it lurks underneath the surface...it coalesces into feelings of failure.
I think I'm reminded of it because I do have so much time for introspection because I do not have to care for any children. Many women with children would probably tell me I'm lucky but deep down, they know that they wouldn't trade places with me, not in a million years. Smug bitches.