Oh I Am In Such A Bad Mood

Ok, I'm already off my meds which is bad enough but now I find out the computer that was given to me is basically a big piece-of-shit, worthless paperweight.
The LA Catholic church has to pay out millions to abused innocents. They ought to pay with the balls of the molesters on a platter. NO anesthesia.
I don't give a shit where Beckham and his anorexic bobble-head looking wife go or what they do. I sure as fuck don't give a shit if they come to America.
I have a new game and can't play it.
I doubt the complete veracity of the Bible, not because God screwed it up but perhaps humanity did.
Everything I hold to be true seems like a bunch of bullshit right now.
I feel like stuffing many donuts in my mouth.
I am so angry from the heat, I just want to rip someone's fucking lungs out.
I have been wanting to get out of the house, run errands, just escape but I'm not allowed.
I
HATE
MY
LIFE

My House

My house is a mess. I don't mean that jokingly. I don't mean that self-deprecatingly like these women with clean houses who bleat "Oh my house is a mess!"
It is close to being a fire hazard kind of mess. And I am so ashamed.
I don't like people to come in. I don't like to open the door. It's a peculiar isolation, the shame of a filthy house. My husband is disgusted with it. I don't blame him.
I feel powerless. Yes, "clean it" is the obvious solution. I just don't have it upstairs to maintain the house, myself or my life. Sometimes I just don't want to be alive. I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
I am afraid alot. I screw up alot. I just don't know how I can go on like this.

Overwhelmed

Been off the meds for a few days now and I'm really starting to feel pretty shitty. I don't know why I do it to myself. I do know-its the illness itself. I always feel like I have a deficit of energy...and sitting still is easier than acting on things...so much easier because I feel so tired all the time.
You add the mind tricks and it paints a life not really going anywhere. I have to find my self worth. People get self worth from alot of things-those things have been removed from me. I have to find my self worth in merely existing as a human being, in being God's child and little more.
I would say this is a challenge but I hate that word. I'm not in a challenge, I'm just living life. There's so much double speak designed to soothe a person's ego, so much psychobabble to make a person feel alright...I want it all stripped down, I want life as it is-no labels, no myths...just me and God.

Parrots are not for the faint of heart. They can be very difficult pets. Mine just bit me very hard and had to be put back in his cage. This is after months of me working with him, training him, spending time with him. They are simply put, unpredictable animals and don't make good pets for the majority of people.
I love my little guy, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I regret that I got him. He is really a handful and takes up most of my day. However, one must face responsibility and I'm going to keep him and keep working with him.

Still can't put in a title. Why did they have to Googlefy this thing? My bank online did something similar-bunch of extra garbage no one needs.
Anyway, I've got my sister visiting and we are going to see HP and the Order of the Phoenix tomorrow...except, you know, this is the one where Uncle Sirius gets smoked-not looking forward to that....and when Half-Blood Prince comes out, well I am going to get pissed about Dumbledore all over again.
Not doing well mentally . The demons appear whenever I am about to have a good time. Sis comes over, hubby is home...in fly the mental monsters. Today I have to buy some groceries and go to the bank and I just don't have it upstairs. It seems so simple. Just some domestic half-ass chores and my mind is like fucking it up.
Maybe hubby will go with me. I have to do so much on my own even though I am "disabled" but you know what, that's life. Just suck it up and do your best. Eeven if your best isn't good enough...

Well, I can't type a title into the title box...anyway! What have I been up to? Oh, my disability has come up for review so i am filling out forms, answering dumb ass questions at the Dr.s...es, I have a bad attitude. Did you expect otherwise?
Been off my meds strictly thru procrastination. My Dr. wants me to keep a mood diary. I've kept one for two weeks but have since not bothered with it. I'm bad with homework. Always was.