Brief Visit

El Viejo ended up at the local truck yard so he snuck away to come visit. That was nice.
The 3rd is payday and I *will* finally buy the latest HP book. Getting my sister a bday present too. She's at Berkeley so I'm ordering it online and they can send the dang thing.
Ok dinner time: Beef stirfry, baguette slice and Coke. bbl w/ pic of finished robe.

Overtaken

Approximate timeof Incident: 3am
I just woke up so anxious and sad, I felt like screaming. My thoughts wouldn't stop racing. They just go back and forth, throwing out pointless memories and repetitive phrases...repeating, repeating.
So. A choice again. Take a tranquilizer for immediate relief, thus avoiding possible trip to that place where the door is locked but you don't have the key or take the risk and tough it out.
I took the pill. I had the usual result. With a brief break for lunch and computer time, I slept all day long.
Today is ok. I don't know what tonight or tomorrow will be like.
This is why I take medication. This is why I'm on disability.

10:55 PM

I totally keep forgetting to watch the early showing of Inuyasha. Shit!
So what wins: the desire for self-improvement through going to bed earlier or the obsession with a half-demon dog-person cartoon and his friends?
I also spend way too much time giggling at sites like this one.
Actually, self-improvement is not all it's cracked up to be. So I get up early. I can witness the garbage men empty cans. Hooray.
..and this calorie-counting thing that lasted 15 minutes. What the fuck was that? The last thing I want to be is one of those people that drone on and on about calories and weight like it was the most important thing on the planet.
This is a new thing with me-conformity. It's new and it's false. I think it's founded in insecurity. I find myself wondering about my life. Is it ok to travel along enjoying the view and the company? Or should I be laboring at some worthy task? Maybe just experiencing life is a worthy task.
What is the end result of this task? What are the everyday rewards? I think that becoming more at peace with myself, God and the world is the reward. This isn't a concrete accomplishment like purchasing a house or producing children, but it endures.

Sewing, Depression

Here is a robe I am making for myself. This is the left sleeve and left front of the robe. I'm sewing this without a pattern, just using some measurements from a book on patternless sewing. As you can see, it isn't quite done. I am thinking of sewing some tap pants (girl boxers) to go with it. I don't have a specific pattern but I want to see if I can make something up using a pattern for pants. Making a full slip to match is also a possibility. Either way it's "loungewear."
I am so depressed right now...and I can feel myself sinking deeper into it. I'm just trying to keep busy and distract myself. Tomorrow, if it's not too hot, I may take the bus to the mall and check out the bookstore. They always have great sales. I get the feeling it's because there aren't many readers in this town. This is more of a weekend warrior/sports kind of town.

Recipe: Homemade Prozac

Good for soothing depression and feelings of futility.
Ingredients:
Breyers Dulce de Leche (caramel swirl) Ice cream
Real Bacon Bits

Directions:
Swirl spoon around in ice cream until some of it is kind of melty.
Sprinkle bacon bits into melty parts.
Swirl a little more.

Dosage:
Eat a few spoonfuls of ice cream combined with melty ice cream/bacon bits.
Eat directly from cartoon.
Let ice cream melt in mouth.
Chew bacon bits thoughtfully.
Ponder the fact that life isn't all bad.
Wash down with RC Cola.

Dragon Dream

Dream: There is a huge ugly dragon after me. This takes place in a modern day city. First it battles with some helicopters and I can see the explosions in the distance. Then it returns for me. It came slicing through the sky like lightning.
I am holed up in an abandoned single-wide trailer. There is an old man there too. He's got a .22 which isn't enough gun for this occasion.
Still, he manages to bring it down and someone else chops off its head.
I was convinced that it would spring back to life but it didn't.
I woke up (4am) and it was hotter than hell in the house and I had a stomach ache. I turned on the A/C, went back to bed and slept better.

And now the time has come

...to order pizza. When the old man leaves, I go right back into bachelorette mode (except for dating) which is comprised of the following:
Ordering pizza with odd combos on it (tonight is Greek Pizza with olive oil, tomatoes, spinach, feta cheese and red onions)
Eating cold pizza three times per day until it's gone
Drinking as much soda as humanly possible
Ordering burgers when I get tired of pizza
Taking showers until the water runs cool
Experimental hair styles
Tonight's Movie Selection: something with Steven Seagal in it, circa 1988 before the "puffy face" stage. Mrraow.

A Dream

Dream: I had to go to Urgent Care for whatever reason. I sat in this quiet wood-paneled room for hours. It turns out I was in the wrong waiting room.
When I get to the right waiting room, my husband is there saying horrible things about me to a horrified audience. The nurses and doctors float around gauzily behind the counter. The waiting room is bright, scary bright.
I woke up very upset. So what does it mean? Seems to mean I find peace being by myself. haha

My Birds

Ants, Brunch, Temptation

I left only like, three, empty cans of soda on the desk and now it's overrun with ants. I think they've crawled into the keyboard. Good. I'll squish 'em while typing. If they survive, they'll carry out the crumbs that I know have fallen in there.
I've had to rig a kind of fort around my new soda. It's partially submerged in a bowl of water. This along with cheese and crackers makes brunch. I skipped breakfast but it's 10am so it's brunch.
The crackers are disappointing. "Carr's Croissant Crackers." More like glorified Ritz crackers. Soda: Canada Dry Ginger Ale, cheese: cheddar.
Ordered some stuff online for my birds. I'm wildly tempted to buy myself something at Sephora. Apparently, the "czarina" look is in for fall/winter with rich colors, etc. Now if I could grow 1 Ft. taller and loose a few pounds, I'd fit right in. heh
Next biggest temptation is Amazon.com where I'd like to purchase newest Harry Potter book. Then there's Harlequin.com. I like romance novels. Yes, they're cheesy and repetitive and the plot (if any) is made of cotton candy but I enjoy them. Well, guess I'd better go play hausfrau and straighten up the gd livingroom.

He's Gone

...and I'm alone for another five weeks. That's how it is when you are married to a truck driver.
Here is a pic I took at the wedding-->

Well, I have important games to play then bedtime. Tomorrow is payday which means I have to pay bills especially the sat dish bill so I can watch tv. I need tv. It gets a little
too quiet around here otherwise.

Bugs Ugh

The ants have invaded. They can chew through plastic and don't go away at night. I killed what I believe to be a brown recluse in my bathroom. It could also be an "aggressive house spider." Either way, I smashed it good. We've had a couple of black widows come into the house too. I hate nature.
Ongoing self-improvement: getting to bed earlier than 1am, honing writing/art skills for career as a free lance whatever, better skin care with lotions and potions.
I reluctantly started "counting calories" today but goddamnit I hate that kind of weird obsessive shit. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. Frankly, it makes me want to stuff a whole pie in my mouth.

Iraq

I am so tired of the Iraq debate. We are already there. Whining about it is pointless, counter-productive even.
The reason we didn't find any WMDs is because when the UN (there's an honorable group, eh?) was there, they were so ineffective that I'm sure many things were removed to other places during that time. They probably took payola too. Look at Mr. Kofi Annan's bit of nepotism and how it helped the "oil for food program."
Anyway, we are already there. Certain Iraqi people groups need not fear genocide anymore. Women and girls will not be subjected to "rape rooms" anymore. Citizens will not have war waged against them by their own government anymore. So why the continued bitching?
Why not pitch in and help Iraq rebuild into something better than what it was under Saddaam's regime?
Granted, as soon as we leave, they will probably go to Sharia Law and start oppressing the population that way but that is neither here nor there.

Mon Cadeau

B & G took me to the bookstore and said "pick out a book." teehee! Best present ever.
It was a hard choice between a book on French cooking and a guide for fantasy/sci-fi artists. I went with the Artists' Manual. I've been having fun with it.
Old Man is still here. Still won't upload gd pics. I'd do it myself but it wants a driver then freezes the computer.

Aw Shucks

Bride and Groom are picking me up, taking me to get me "a present" for my help with wedding. How awkward. Although, I do like presents...El Viejo is still here. If I can get him to hook up the gd digital camera to the computer, I'll post a couple of wedding pics. I can take pics of my anime drawings and post those too.
Can't wait to get them into PSP to play with them. I like photoediting...and I like PSP better than photoshop.

Mercurial

That's me. Mercurial.

Day Is Done, Rant Mode (caution: language)

Almost done with online amusements...4 minutes late for taking medication...no Inuyasha tonight.
Sis-in-law came over. She is having gastric bypass surgery soon...a barbaric procedure I think. I'm worried. This knowledge started rant mode.
I've been in rant mode most of the evening. When s.i.l. left, I asked the old man "What are they(Drs.) trying to do? Fucking kill her?? This surgery causes iron deficiency! She already has that!! Stomach ulcers! It's modern-day bloodletting! Medieval-fucking-Butchers! What the fuck??", etc...
Earlier, the subject of one of my young relatives being pregnant (a state I am not going to be experiencing ever, apparently)came up. "So a 16 year old is going to know more about motherhood than me? This makes me deficient. To a 16 year old! Stupid expectations of womanhood...I'm complete already goddamnit! Fuck!", etc.
...and earlier, someone mentioned my stepson, the backstabber who threatened to make up stuff about his dad and report it to Child Welfare"Goddamnit! His shit is still here. It's taking up room. When the fuck is he picking it up?? I need the space for better stuff! Goddamnit!! Making up lies, the little shithead. Fuck!" etc.
Most of the time I'm mellow. Something set me off today though. It's like I suddenly become painfully aware of what a twisted world this is. Then these hurt feelings come up and I have to let them go. I have to express them and let them go. No more anger turned inward. I curse when I'm hurt and angry. It's a release. I'm not going to implode for the sake of propriety and good manners. To top it off, EL Viejo is going back on the road tonight.

Ah...shopping

No more FrankenDrinks or snacking on sliced American cheese that I otherwise wouldn't touch. No more burnt pancakes.
I went grocery shopping! Yea!
This is an exciting event when you've spent 2 weeks flat broke and living off the stuff in the back of the cupboard(dented can of clam chowder, hominy, can of peas, ancient pasta).
We've got salad, avocados, RC Cola, olives, fresh baked bread, cheddar cheese, bratwurst, apple pie, milk, peaches, biscotti, espresso, steak ....and the old man purchased Sobe "Adrenaline" drink. He claims it gives one energy. hmmm
Red Bull didn't give me wings. It gave me a freakin' stomach ache. This Sobe crap better give me something for $1.79 per dinky can.

12:56am

Loooooong day. Wedding went well. I'm exhausted.
I think we need to hold fast to tradition. It gives a person an opportunity to reflect on the passing years, to mark time.
At a wedding, of course there is the new phase in life for the newlyweds. Then I look at the kids and mark how they've grown. I look at my husband and review our years of marriage. I look around the room and see people in various life stages.
Traditional ceremonies such as weddings give me a fresh outlook, a "catching up" on life and its cycles.
There was the reception then the "after party" at the local casino. I'm down $10. That's ok, I think. $10 for an evening's entertainment. Shared some nachos with EL Viejo and now I'm home. The after-after-party continues at the happy couples' home. I understand there is some mighty fine booze being poured. I'm more interested in going to bed and sleeping for-oh-fourteen hours.

After Midnight

Final wedding decoration stuff arrived at 7pm. It is after 12am and I have been farting around on the Net instead of wrapping up loose ends with the decorations.
9am tomorrow (today. hm.)I'm supposed to decorate then help b.t.b. with hair and makeup and sometime before that I have to buy wedding gift and possibly a new dress since I've been dragging my feet on sewing finishing touches on the dress I was going to wear.
Well, thank God for 24 hour Walmart.
At least I have Coke (liquid, not powder ^_^) to give me needed pep to finish decorations. No Inuyasha on tv tonight, just stoopid Samurai Champloo.
I really don't mind all this. I rarely am called to do such things. It's nice to help.

Dreams with Rhinos

I had a long tangle of weird pointless dreams last night, the most interesting one was the part with stampeding rhinos. They were kind of cartoonish rhinos, half real-half Lion King animation. Even the rising dust was a little Disney.
But they did cut a bloody violent path through a town, killing men, women and children indiscriminately. They kept running up and up some sort of trail...at the top there was an abandoned carnival and at that point the dream switched to something else.

I See the Future..

...and it is irritating. I offered to treat the bride-to-be to a cab ride (neither of us have cars) so we could wrap up loose ends (since the wedding is tomorrow) without having to wait around for "the men" to drive us (ugh...I *need* a fucking car right now, this is just too "I Love Lucy"...ugh).
Well, groom-to-be insists on coming along (why? WHY??) so we have to wait until late afternoon to go to craft store and it will be impossible to get anything accomplished since g.t.b. is much like a Saint Bernard in a China Shop. Not a bull-a bull just crashes through. A St. Bernard crashes through and interrupts your train of thought with constant bids for attention.
El Viejo is blissfully asleep and unaware of my trials and tribulations.

The Old Man Returneth

El Viejo wandered in around 5am, sat down and started chatting as if he'd never been gone. Just glad he's home for tomorrow's wedding.
I know what I'm cooking tonight: porkchops. Typical American fare.
You take some greasy fatty porkchops (not the lean expensive kind, those are for sissies) and soak them in cold milk with one egg mixed in.
Fill a plastic or paper bag with flour and salt/pepper to taste (herbs, such as sage, can be added too), take the pork chop, drop it in the bag and shake gently to coat.
Use a large frying pan, turn flame to medium-high and add approx 3 tablespoons of oil. Let the oil get hot (but don't let it start to smoke) and gently place chops in pan, making sure they don't touch each other.
When they are crisp and brown on both sides, turn heat to med-low so that they can cook through. Cover pan. Cook each side for ten minutes, checking often. Juices from bones should be clear. Turn heat up again and cook each side briefly to "re-crisp." If you like, you can use the pan drippings to make gravy. Or save them to make gravy for a future meal.
Serve with mashed potatoes, potatoes au gratin, etc. and some sort of veggie (canned corn) but the huge hunk of pork must be the main part of the meal. This is dinner, American style. Now belch and wipe your hands on the couch. Good boy.

No Time to Dream

Marie (bride-to-be) came over today so we could work on her wedding stuff. She really is a nice person and we had fun chatting. There were some heart stopping moments when I was sewing on her wedding dress. It came from France to boot. I was so afraid of fucking it up.
She took off the foofoo puff sleeves and I sewed what was left into "tank top" style sleeves.
I have some things left that require handsewing like making the front lower and taking it in on the sides. I need to finish table decorations also. Can't find my hot glue gun so I have to use regular glue. I just don't have the patience for it.
So it's 11:12 pm and I'm letting my parrot stay up late because he was in his cage while Marie was here. After I put him to bed, back to the dress. Fortunately, I had a good dinner and a short nap.
I am running out of Franken-tea, the iced tea concoction I brewed up yesterday because I needed something sweet to drink. Tonight I will make Franken-Coffee: my version of iced coffee. We'll see how it goes.
~Franken Tea: Brew a pitcherfull of Tetley Tea. Add one can of Sweetened Condensed milk and three fistsful of sugar. Shake well and refrigerate.~
Old man is in Roswell, New Mexico. Good place for him, I say. He's closer to home anyway.
hmm...almost time for medication...Inuyasha in just over one hour.

Stream of Conscious

It's 12am. I should have taken my medication half an hour ago. I'm hungry. There's nothing good to eat around here so I choked down some soup. I made my own bizarre iced tea recipe. It tastes good in absence of proper beverages like RC cola.
I'm getting pissed at groom-to-be. He was supposed to come over today to ok decorations so I can make the rest. Was bugging me to put together trellis which I did. No-show. Some people are just a fucking train wreck waiting to happen.
Odd dreams-getting married against my will or something...
Lonely lonely lonely. Old man coming home Friday, payday is Friday...A Good Friday. Can't wait.
Then...wedding Saturday. Glad it aint mine. Looking forward to stuffing my face. Hey-I'm calorie-deficient. I could waste away to nothing.

Symbolism?

I am making wedding decorations for an acquaintance and his fiancee. It is making me sad. This happens to me a lot: the sight of a certain thing or event will make me unbearably sad.
I used to just shove the feeling down but that's like just cutting a weed instead of digging out the root. The root grows and produces a stronger plant.
I started looking at the decorations. There are several sweet looking little white doves...
White doves like the one I held at my parents' second wedding which took place shortly before my parents' second divorce. The next wedding was between my mom, baby on the way, and a man I hardly knew. I didn't want to know him either...And when I did get to know him, I wished he'd go away. A "whole n'other story."
This train of thought started me crying. I hope it's the healing kind of crying and that this can be another painful memory resolved or at least dealt with.
There are too many memories like this, too many symbols waiting to leap at me. No wonder I was always on the brink of suicide before I started working through memories. Life was too painful.

A Dream

I dreamed that I was at a hotel. The doorman was a vampire and all the people looked so strange.
I got there and left there in a sort of carriage and I remember velvety curtains-black and purple.

Mm

I was absolutely worn out from yesterday's pre-wedding panic-fest. Went to bed early!
Slept until 10:30am, had yummy creamy yogurt for breakfast. Getting ready to make a steak salad for lunch. Been watching TV and pondering playing Morrowind or continuing with TV and knitting mittens.
May even clean the house up some.
I've got to produce some wedding decorations too and test the lights on the trellis. These things are actually fun for me.

Some Dream Blog, Today's Events, Anime

Dreamless again. Maybe this is a good thing? Not good for a blog about dreams.
Still on the downward spiral with depression.
Went shopping with bride-to-be and groom-to-be (husband's friend) for decorations. Grooms do not belong shopping for wedding decorations. Wedding is Saturday, 8/20.
I'm tired, gonna continue reading romance book and also read some of "How to write Magazine Articles...Etc" book. Then the struggle to stay awake until Inuyasha. May work on manga portrait of a girl I drew last week. It's still in the pencil sketch stage. I'm definitely inking it and I may try watercolor on it.
I used colored pencils the last time and it left me dissatisfied. I am progressing well with drawing anime people and I'm beginning to experiment with drawing fantasy animals. The costumes I draw on the people are becoming more detailed as well. I suppose backgrounds will be next, all my characters are floating in a sea of white paper for now.
I need to buy better pens, more watercolor pencils and some new paint-brushes.

11:08 pm

Getting ready to read romance number 2 to kill time until Inuyasha comes on at 12:30am. Romance. pffftt. I disgust myself. I have redeeming qualities though.
I need a soda...

Blah

Haven't read the magazine article book. I finished one of the romance books though.
Any dreams I had last night are vaporized now.
The house is a mess and even though there's no-one around to complain, I can imagine what they might say. This still isn't inspiration enough for me to clean up. Why?
Because its 90-fucking-degrees in here, that's why. If I could shoot the fucking sun out of the sky....
Must sooth self with bath, soda, reading other romance novel...

Taxied, Pleasant Time Had By All

Nice driver, also a transplant from Los Angeles.
I bought a book. Well, three books, two of which are cheesy romances. The third is important. It is about types of magazine articles, how to write and submit and make $$.
For years, I've had the goal of completing college but it's really been so I could "show people" that I'm not a failure. "People" being my family.
As I get older, it is harder and harder to do things to please others. I'm more interested in goals based in my growth as a human being. This is probably why I have yet to re-enroll in college.
I recently wrote an essay that will be published in a (non-scam*) book sponsored by a National organization. That's one feather in my cap. It's given me the boost I needed to really take writing seriously as a profession.
I have adequate college education in this area. The nice thing, though, is that writing isn't all about degrees and such. With basic writing skills and talent, I have a fair chance at being successful regardless of education or lack thereof.
I've got nothing to lose and a lot to write about.

*Sadly, there are these scams (a certain poetry site comes to mind) where it is announced that your piece shall be published in an anthology and don't you want to order a few for friends and family? Only $18.99 plus shipping!

Dumb-Ass Choices

I don't have a car. I have to go take care of some bills.
So...
Do I spend $40 round-trip for a taxi and get it done efficiently, with minimum stress and anxiety but costing a ridiculous amount of money? I would be home within two hours.
~or~
Do I walk to the bus stop and wait for the always-late bus that only comes once every 50 minutes? Then do the same on the return trip? In 105 degree weather with high humidity? This is a four-hour adventure at least. The cost would be a thrifty $2.

Dammitdammitdammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad Again, Zombies

Had another dream with my father. He used to live in the high desert area of Southern California...way before it went to shit with gangs, tweakers and other lowlifes.
We were there in the high desert and I was telling him that and that he was better off where he is now. There was another man with us, possibly one of my father's friends: Ralphie or Clayton. I came to love and respect these men as if they were my grandfathers when they were alive.
I hope they are all in the same happy place, drinking coffee and yakking like they used to. These dreams make me sad and I don't know why I have them.
I also had a horror movie type dream with zombies but I credit that to the pizza I had just before bedtime. Wanna have scary dreams? Eat pizza before bedtime and wash it down with soda.

Depressed

11pm, accomplished nothing today other than to take a long dreamless nap...woke up depressed. Not good weather for naps, it's humid and threatening thunderstorms.
Today was just a deep dark pit of wasted time and what-ifs. There's an emptiness within that no amount of tears can fill. Spiritual emptiness but I don't have the desire for spirituality right now.
I'm going to light a cigarette, refill my glass with Coke and play Morrowind until I fall asleep with the controller in my hand and accidentally kill some vital plot character in my sleep. Yes, this is the solution.

Last Night: Horrific High School Dream

Fortunately I was fully clothed...it went like this:
"Where am I? No...no, not again...high school! Aiiiigggggghhhhhhhh!!!!"
When I was attending high school, life was all limitations and dead ends. I just wanted to be out of there. The power struggle at home was getting worse too. It seemed the more I tried to stretch my wings, the more locks on the cage.
I don't know why I have this dream but when I have it, I wake up and feel grateful to be an adult.
I wouldn't go back to childhood if you paid me a million-freaking-dollars.

Self Self Self

With the old man on the road four weeks out of five, I'm almost in a state of singleness. Which gives me plenty of time to be self-absorbed and ponder things. This is good actually.
I'm in a place in my life where I want to have a deeper understanding of myself and of other human beings. i want to have more tolerance for the choices others make. Acceptance of others frees me to sort out my own problems rather than "borrowing trouble" and leaving them unresolved.
I want to take my life's experience and come to a conclusion about it.
As I continue in life, I want to know that I have stored the past and am ready to move on unencumbered.

The fascination with Dreams..

...the need for a blog. I believe in my dreams. They offer scenarios, solutions and entertainment. They give me insight into the murky depths of my mind. No-one I am personally acquainted with wants to hear about them. The dreams that set fire to my being are the dreams that set the sandman loose on others.
This isn't a problem. More and more, I draw self esteem from within. I don't need others to validate me...unless I'm trying on some new clothes...

Bad to Worst

A dream with my deceased father-the type I dread the most because I wake up and he's faded away with the dream and I miss him all the more.
In the dream I was defending him...He wanted me to cross a log across murky water to show me something. I didn't want to, I was afraid. In the end, he walked away into the woods and a ghostly wolf appeared by his side to accompany him.
So I woke up, quite upset and surely the bad dreams are over?
Once asleep again, horrific dreams with dead pregnant women and Snoop Dog and drugs and oh it was a pleasure to wake up.
When canines appear in my dreams, someone connected to me in real life dies. My dad's appearance and the idea of him wanting me to cross over adds to the overall creepiness although I didn't fear him. I felt very lonely as I watched him walk away. So, let's see who dies-there's a cheering thought.
The second group of dreams was more of a carnival funhouse type thing. Usually happens when I kick off the covers.