The Doc

Went to the Dr., went over the usual harrowing shit, renewed prescriptions, some counseling, etc. then I came home and slept for four hours. Not that any trip to the Dr. is especially fun but trips to the psychiatrist are always dreadful because you have to talk about how you feel mentally. That's the whole problem after all, there is something mentally wrong so thoughts must be brought out and examined and moods must be combed over for signs of increasing or decreasing illness within them.
So do I have more mental strength than others or less? Am I stronger for withstanding various breakdowns and other shit that might render someone else into a quivering blob in an institution or am I inherently weaker for having succumbed to these maladies? Fuck if I know.

Bleh, Buddha

Just checking in, staying in the habit, yackyackyack. I had some deeply spiritual thoughts this morning but managed to squelch them by noon.
No, seriously. I got to thinking about books I've owned. I like books and will buy them if they have pretty pics, historical significance, etc. One time I bought a beautiful book on herbal lore written by Culpeper who everyone thought knew his shit in the dark ages. Beautiful book with lots of hand drawn pctures of herbs, delightful passages on bodily "humours" (you don't want to know). Well, one day during some very bad times, I'd pawned everything of real value but, still needing money for gasoline, I sold some of my treasured books-including Culpeper's Herbal.
Usually I look back on these memories and want to cry but this time (going over and over this shit is known as OCD...rememeber that, kiddies) I started thinking about that Zen story-the one where the monk burns his wooden statue of Buddha to stay warm.
I enjoyed the book when I had it. I sold the book when I needed something else. There is no loss there, only necessity. Only replacement. Why be attached to mere things? They serve their purpose and then their time is over.
My next thought was about people. Loved ones-how precious they are. I can't apply the same cold-hearted theory to people. When they die, it hurts and their loss leaves a hole in my life. There is no way around that. I don't know if Buddhism has an answer for that one. I do know that, regardless of circumstances, of things, of people who are present or not, I am as content as I choose to be. Contentment must come from within, not from things or even other people.
And I do mean contentment, not happiness. Happiness is a fleeting thing like a raindrop in the desert. When happiness comes, I enjoy it but I don't get used to it or come to expect it. Like I said, I'd banished all of these thoughts before noon but dammit, I've got to fill this blog with something.

Conspiracy Theory

Things are plodding along as always. I'm bored. I'm hyperalert. I'm a bad mood waiting to happen. What to do-what to do?
I know. I'll watch one of those weight loss programs. That will push me right into the mood to sign in to my blog and rant.
So. It's these two families of overweight people...And this skinny little nutritionist: a cross between a nagging mother-in-law and a broomstick. They could've eaten her for lunch and been hungry an hour later.
Anyway, it's the usual bullshit. Non-fat cheese, guilt trips, loathing...One of the moms is cooking an omelet with spinach and "egg substitute", the brand prominently displayed. I thought that whole egg-cholesterol thing was kind of old hat? Eggs in moderation and all that?
Not when that very same name-brand egg substitute sponsors the TV program! hmmmmmmmmm
Wonder what other "healthy" advice is being doled out according to the whims of sponsors?
This was on Discovery Health Channel too. Shame on you! I'm going back to watching public television.

Concepts Never Learned

I was watching this documentary on PBS about some troubled kids. Well, they went to this special school where the approach was more positive reinforcement than punishment-orientated.
So, of course, they are talking in psychological terms..You know, like those "positive affirmation" phrases I think they're called. I'm pretty cynical about those things so most of it just went by unnoticed until this phrase:
"Have faith in yourself" was spoken.
Have Faith In Yourself.
I don't think I've ever really heard that phrase spoken to me. I don't think I've ever really truly grasped that concept of believing that I could actually follow through with something and not fuck it up or have fate (or God? I don't like to think He'd want me to fail) throw a monkey wrench in.
I'm getting too old to blame childhood for every goddam thing but I've got to say that this concept was never instilled in me. My life shows it too. Any time I've started working towards a goal, I've quit from uncertainty and feeling that I would fail. I've got to think about this and maybe apply it to some new goals. I think that I have reason to have faith in myself. Just never occurred to me to do so. Too bad they didn't have this kind of thing when I was in school. I may have turned out differently.
As an adult, I'm a damned slow learner when it comes to life skills and emotional maturity.

I Hate January

January is the time for resolutions and many people are quite resolute...for awhile. Our friends, the advertisers, are helping us by showing commercial after commercial after fucking commercial on everyone's favorite resolution: lose weight.
Gah! I'm sick of it! I just pull the blanket over my head until the commercials are over.
It's finally getting cold too. I'm worried about my birds getting too cold in spite of having space heaters in front of their cages. My feet are cold and I can't find any socks. Where the fuck are my socks?
And in spite of my complaining about the cold, I know that after January is February and then the hot season, in which temps linger around 100F, is fast approaching. It's all downhill after New Year's.
On a more serious note, I've lost the will to accomplish anything. I have accepted my life as it is: bleak and empty. It is a shadow in a mirror. I am a shadow fading into darkness. I've lost my sense of self. I eat, I sleep, I shit, I watch tv. Just living on the lowest level of existence.
My life is a dreary riddle. Who is married but living alone? Who can have children but doesn't? What makes a female-shaped shadow in a mirror?
Me, the sad woman with no socks.