Slightly Tranquilized Entry

I had to take a tranquilizer today. I try to avoid taking them because all I do is sleep. But...
I'm feeling all proud that we are paying down our back rent and the landlord decides he wants to inspect the inside of the house because we have a washer and dryer sitting in the dining room!
They are sitting there until I get parts, and my husband is home long enough to purchase a dolly and get a friend or two to move them to the laundry room. I thought the greasy little prick (landlord) understood this.
So now he is acting like we are some nutball hicks that keep appliances everywhere and secretly farm catfish in the bathtub. I can't tell you what an unsafe feeling I have. I need to feel safe in my own home, without fear that this slimy little cocksucker is going to tour my home and poo-poo my cleaning habits. From the looks of him, he has only a passing acquaintance with bathwater. How he managed to sire children with a human female, I'll never know. I don't think even a goat would have him.
Anyway, being off most of my meds, this threw me into a major panic attack and for the first time in a long time, I just don't want to be alive anymore.
I'm not actively planning suicide but I get so tired of dealing with these assholes...and there are so many of them on this planet. I mean, let's say I shot and killed two assholes per hour over the course of three months. I don't think I'd even have my county cleared of assholes at that rate.
Hubby is gone too. This makes me feel even less safe.
The temporary solution is to drink alot of soda and lose myself on the Net...until I fall asleep again from the tranquilizer.
Eventually, my normally peaceful view towards life will return...or I'll make good on my little math equation. Whatever.

Mellow

I'm mellow today. I don't even remember much of what has happened today. It is good to be at peace for awhile. God knows, it won't last long. Here is something nice to play:
http://www.mousebreaker.com/games/chuck/play.php

Waste some time with it. Mellow out. ;)

Calmer

Ok. Fully awake. Caaaalllllllmmmm. Breathing regularly. See, I get hurt easily sometimes. I respond violently to hurt feelings.
One thing that hurts me is when someone assumes something about me, even if it's some piece of shit (still a little angry) that I don't even know or care about.
Another problem right now is that I've been eating sugar all day. I am going to get something good to eat and find a nice game to play.
Buh-bye.

Cranky

Just took a late-afternoon nap and woke up cranky. Then I got some email from a self-righteous prick on one of my email lists assuming things about me because I asked him not to send some stupid-ass anti-war thing to me on a list that has to do with parrots.
I don't want to read about Iraq on a fucking email list about parrots.
And guess what to any other self-righteous piece of shit out there, here's an alert for you: just because I don't share your passion for 24/7 sniveling over some cause or other, doesn't mean that I'm not concerned.
So take your little agenda and your deep self-satisfaction and shove it up your namby-pamby asshole. Hold it there for a while.
I mean, if I wanted any shit out of some lecturing jerk-off, I'd squeeze their head.
I'm in one of those moods today. Man. Do not fuck with me. Gonna go clean my guns and wave my flag. Fuck everyone.

Babies

One of my best friends just gave birth to a baby boy, her second child. I am really happy for her. I hear that my cousin is also pregnant.
I am also feeling melancholy in a way. I always feel this way when someone in my circle has a baby. I am 99% sure that I will not be having any babies. Most of the time I'm ok with it. It's not the way I pictured my life, being childless, but alot of things have happened to me as an adult that I hadn't pictured. Life is uncertain that way.
Still, I must pause and cry for awhile for the babies that will never be born to me and for the reason that when I die, there will be nothing left on this earth that was a part of me. It's like being the last of the dinosaurs.
I am extinct.
There's more than that but I don't feel like dwelling on it tonight. If I were still drinking, this would be a good night to get really fucked-up.

Hater of Suburbia

I got so irritated by the oddest thing just now:
The city I live in has issued regulation trash cans. One for recycling, one for "green waste", one for regular trash.
They are awkward to drag about and I suspect the regular one is going to be inadequate while the green waste one will go virtually unused. The recycle one will mostly be filled with pizza boxes and soda cans.
As I was dragging them along to the back yard tonight, I began to curse the streetlamps and my dumb neighbor's extra bright backyard light that obscures my view of the stars. He leaves the damned thing on all night every night. Then someone's rodent-sized dog started yapping at me. barkbarkbarkbark
There were so many trees in this neighborhood, half of them are gone from windstorms and construction on the sidewalk, which I also despise.
The smell of them is gone too. I miss it. All I can smell is these shiny new obnoxious plastic garbage cans.
I get in these moods sometimes where I just find every trite aspect of my town to be incredibly annoying: from the water-wasting lawns to the droves of empty-eyed kids whose litter gets trapped in the bushes in my yard.
I liked this place much better than the city when I first moved here but the fields are disappearing and these housing complexes are popping up everywhere. They have walls around them like little feudal towns or something. They're fugly to say the least.
I'm always surprised at how specific my likes and dislikes get as I age. Am I going to be so filled with dislikes that I can't enjoy my life anymore?
The only thing that comforts me is that my town is right up against some federal wildlands. They won't be building there anytime soon.
Note to fellow hermits: live near federal lands and far away from freeways. This combination should grant you a few years peace.

Nature's Creature

It starts in late July. The sun shines through the trees a certain way or the breeze picks up and I have a "Fall Moment."
I don't know what it is about the passing seasons, especially fall, but I am really sensitive to the changes as the new season approaches.
In fall, it starts getting cold at night and the moon hangs low and big in the sky. The air gets drier and the leaves rustle in the wind. I still purposely walk through the piles on the ground, enjoying the crunching sound, same as I did when I was a child. I love the smell of burning leaves.
Sometimes the wind really picks up and howls and I feel like howling with it. The night skies are bright, I can see the stars sharp and crystal clear.
Halloween is coming and the pagan side of me looks forward to it, to the creepiness and the early darkness. I give out pixie stix. I'd rather die than give out anything even remotely healthy. Halloween is the night to overindulge, refuse to share and make yourself sick with sugar.
As the days cool off, I start digging out my sweaters and wearing them. I love the familiar softness of my old sweaters. I like to be outside in my warm sweater. Sometimes I go out in a t-shirt because I like the cold air on my skin too.
Fall usually gets me in the mood to turn on the oven and bake or I simmer pot roasts and stews on the stovetop. Summer vegetables are crisp and fresh, fall and winter vegetables seem to come more from the earth with the cool smell of dirt and loam. I build upon that earthiness with dried mushrooms and sage.
I have a primitive love for the changing of the seasons, I can feel it in my bones.

11:21 am

Went to bed around two, up by nine. I was actually up by six but I made myself go back to bed. The "sleeping all day" depression doesn't compare to this. This is the "can't sleep" phase. I'm too anxious to sleep or even relax much. At the same time, the lack of motivation linked to depression keeps me from accomplishing much with the nervous energy.
There is a lot more to depression than low moods. Even body aches are associated with it. Excessive guilt is linked to it as well. It is good to educate yourself if you have some health problem. I don't "blame" everything on my depression but I understand that alot of the things holding me back from a normal life are a result of it, not a result of some shortcoming on my part.
Knowledge of yourself is good. It helps you to be strong and self-assured on the inside because people wil spout some crazy shit on the outside about who they think you are or what your problem is.
I would be a fool if I rejected all counsel but I'm selective when I listen to the opinions of others about myself. Then there are the times that you have to listen to the message and ignore the messenger. God sends some unlikely messengers.
There is a twelve-step program in which they say "Take what you like and leave the rest." A good philosophy.

...and Alone Again

...other than my birds. I'm going to post pics of them in my pic blog pretty soon.
Went to the store to stock up on essentials. Unfortunately I went hungry so it's mostly snack stuff in my cupboards now. lol
I really just don't feel like cooking so I've got a bunch of frozen dinners as well. More of the depression problem-my kitchen is a disaster and I just can't deal with it. I'm just willing to step through the rubble and nuke something to eat now and then.
I've been doing a lot more drawing since being off my meds or I should say at a more frenzied pace. Sometimes I wonder what would have become of famous, depressed and prolific artists if they were born into the age of Prozac?
I wonder if a level mood takes away some of the artistic temperament. On the other hand, you're not gonna produce alot of art if you go off your meds and fucking kill yourself.

...and he's off

Seems like the moment I wrote that, he jumped up and went to Taco Bell for us, good hunter/provider that he is. ;)
We've been having thunderstorms on and off since last night. I've got the living-room lamp on cos it's kind of dark and cloudy and it just feels cozy and makes me happy...for now. I wonder if the lightning helps too? The ions or something? Storms always put me in a good mood. So it's either ions or it just stirs up the wild part of me that revels in natural displays.
Still riding an emotional Tilt-a-Whirl without some of my medication. I just have to keep remembering that it's a symptom.
I just get this trapped feeling, trapped with my thoughts and emotions. I have been sleeping alot today which can be a good thing. The body has its wisdom.
Every day that I stay out of the psych ward is a good day anyway...and you add tacos to that...well... :)

Filling Out Forms

...because my disability status goes up for review. This is standard procedure. Once you are on, they usually don't take you off of it and that's the reason it's so hard to get approved in the first place for many people.
I am having an attack of nerves though. I mean, I wouldn't be me if I didn't freak out a little bit.
Old Man is still here, still snoozing. Getting tired of watching him lay there.

Sex!

Husband is home and he brought cash, my favorite gift. ha
He's doing his usual crash-out for fourteen hours right now.
Unrelated:
I was talking to my sister the other day about the Janet Jackson incident and we were both puzzled as to why an accidentally exposed breast was such a big deal. It's not like it happens at every football game. I just don't understand.
I was thinking maybe it's because I don't have kids but I imagine if I did, I'd just tell them "That's a breast." Maybe answer the usual questions.
the end
I don't think it would be damaging. I think watching people get hacked up fifty different ways in one movie is a little damaging, however...
So why do we choose one type of performance upon the human body over another? Why do we choose the negative aspect of mayhem and murder? Why not the positive aspect of human sexuality? What are we afraid of?

Good Book

I just spent the whole day reading a book I bought yesterday: Under and Alone by William Queen.
He is an ATF agent who spent approximately two years infiltrating an outlaw biker gang.
I couldn't put the book down, frankly. It is fascinating if you are one who likes to understand all aspects of human nature, including the criminal side. I really got personally involved with the book as I read about this man's struggle to maintain his identity and the sacrifices he made. It does alot to strip some of the "outlaw" glamour away from biker gangs. I felt sorry for those who got in their paths and suffered for it. In many ways, they were their own worst enemies too.
Alot of the book takes place in Southern California and most of the places mentioned are places I've been through or to which added an extra dimension for me.
Actually, my husband and I honeymooned in Laughlin as the biker "Laughlin Run" neared its end and the book added another level of understanding to what I saw there as well. Not that I saw anything terrible but I'm a keen observer and I like to file things away to examine later. ;)
This is a good book to read. It also gives me respect for a previously unseen (for me) aspect of the ATF who, as we know, has a less than stellar rep at times.
...and now for something completely different: I am going to start reading "Emma" by Jane Austen which I also bought yesterday. Don't expect a review. It's been done to death, you know.

I'm Feeling Odd

Before I get into that, here's a pretty bday card made by my friend, Princess. Thanks, Princess. :)
Ok, the oddness...My father died in Feb 2002.
Anyway, today I decided to watch this old movie called "Love Story" with Ryan O'Neal and Allie McGraw. It really was a beautiful movie, I even cried which is rare for me. But the whole movie was about living for now, loving people and giving them the freedom to be who they are and forgiveness.
Well, the thing is the movie's theme song. When I was a kid, my dad gave me a music box and it had that haunting theme song. I never even knew it until today when I saw the movie. I then noticed that the year the movie was made was the year of my birth: 1970.
So it got me on a long trail of imagining if maybe he'd picked that music box because he liked the movie and it was made the year I was born?
I started thinking about him, the way he was after he'd gotten sober (a very sensitive, spiritual person) and it was almost as if the movie held a special message for me from him all these years later..as if it were a movie we'd watched together.
This is pure conjecture on my part but it's almost as if I have a new memory of my dad even though he's already gone and I'm sitting here crying about it, but bittersweet tears.

Wow

Just when I think I have it all figured out...
My mom and sis came over today to (belatedly) celebrate my birthday and we had a good time.
We went out to lunch, Mom of course bugging my sister about her "relationship" and me about my eating habits. Some things never change. My stepfather sent along some birthday money and you're never too old to be cheered by birthday cash.
So we went to the bookstore where I picked up a couple of very interesting looking books: Emma by Jane Austen and a book about a cop who goes undercover with the Mongols, a biker gang.
I think my attitude helped. I purposely led myself through a few thoughts this morning about accepting people as they are, lowering expectations and realizing that I can't receive validation of who I am from everyone I think I should.
Also, kind of a morbid thought, between my husband and I, there's one parent left alive: that's my mom. I want to enjoy her company as much as I can because no-one lives forever.
I was sad that my dad died fairly young but I have no regrets because we were at peace with each other and enjoyed a loving, if distant, relationship. More acceptance there.
So today I'm feeling good about things...and tomorrow my husband comes home for a short while.
Sometimes, it seems to me, that when things appear so bleak, these things happen as if God is saying "I'm still here. I know it's tough right now but I'm working things out."
He sends a couple rays of sunshine through the clouds.

Well...

The Old Man is coming home Sunday, very briefly, but it's an unexpected surprise. :)
I'm kind of tripping right now because I'm off my medication. It's not that I become dangerous but my thoughts keep me awake at night and I feel overwhelmed with depression,anxiety etc.
At times like these, it's back to basics: make sure I eat, make sure I feel ok, play on the computer and distract myself.
Taking care of myself is one area I've grown alot in. I'm better at taking care of my needs and much better at getting away from people who aren't good to me or good for me.
About a year ago, I met a seemingly nice lady who had three "special needs" children (she adopted them-they had fetal alcohol syndrome) and seemed to have a heap of problems. She seemed isolated like me. I tend to assume the best about people, that it isn't their sickness that keeps them isolated.
Anyway, for several months we were friends...or I was her friend and she acted like a bitch. The main thing was she would "zing" me when I was down instead of lifting me up. I couldn't stand the mind games she played with her kids either. I began to see how sick she was. I started to dread her phone calls...but I felt badly for her kids, see?
And she knew it. As I watched more closely, I saw how she used those kids to her advantage to gain sympathy. She was going to sell a van to me and my husband but she lied about some things about it, like the tags being paid. In the end, I suspect it wasn't even hers to sell. She was going through a divorce and in California, everything is half and half.
So with a great amount of guilt, I ended the friendship. I just broke off contact. It didn't matter if she knew why. An explanation to a person like that is a waste of time. All that mattered was that I was free of her because I don't deserve to be treated that way.
That is big-time growth for me.

Flesh and Spirit

I have a dual nature. Spirituality and Carnality.
Sometimes, I am so alive in the flesh, like one big raw nerve ending, full of every human emotion, enjoying life or hating it passionately, almost feeling high. That is how I feel today. It feels glorious, it's the feeling of being alive.
Then, just as I'm reveling in this lust for life, I feel a stab of guilt. I feel that, perhaps, God disapproves. Why?!
I believe in God, he is very real to me. I know he accepts me as I am.
Sometimes, this view gets distorted by other people, those who claim to speak, or preach for God.
It's almost as if I see God through their eyes, see myself through their eyes and I see someone who is sorely lacking.
Why would I do this to myself? I was in the Jehovah's Witnesses from birth to age eleven. That is the major part of it. The JWs teach about an angry Jehovah, with JW elders and others as His spies, ready to cast your vile ass out should you fail to cower properly.
I think that is the key. I forget myself. I forget that I should be behaving properly. It's as if the label "Christian" is a millstone around my neck, dragging me down into guilt.
It has to do with my fellow human beings. It has nothing to do with Christianity, which simply put, is the belief in Christ as savior.
I don't know that any other Christian even ponders these things. It all has the tinge of blasphemy and shame. Good thing that you judge me not, Dear Blog.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a rail-thin beast, clawing and craving at my gut. "I need, I need." It's got wide saucer-eyes, staring and searching, always hungering. Its stark honesty makes me ashamed, this bit of humanity I can't cut away from my soul.
Craving and cowering, an instinct gone mad in its state of neglect, reducing me to tears, making me stay up late and stare at the four walls, wondering why it won't shut up.
It's like a mewling infant I want to smother, this soft spot of weakness in my carefully built armor.
It calls and calls, receives only a distant answer across the air, over the miles, without the warmth of skin on skin. It calls and calls, won't it ever shut up?
How many horrible crimes are commited in slavery to the beast, how many killers only wanted warmth when the hot blood ran over their hands, the blood of resistant victims who would not respond to the cry.
I have no doubt that I am erasing this tomorrow morning.

This Sickens Me

I've got the tv on and I'm watching a show about Wallis Simpson. Anyway, a woman is being interviewed. She has her pug dogs on her lap. Cute enough.
But she begins to describe how she would have parties for the dogs and she describes a cafe that allowed the dogs in....would they allow a hungry human being in? Perhaps a smelly human being, no smellier than the dogs and better with bathroom habits?
Would they allow that person in? Would they feed him?
I know they have fabulous charity events for that person but would they treat him as well as their dogs in person? You know the answer.
This is the grotesque side of humanity.
C'mon baby, eat the rich.

Worst Birthday Ever!

Note: Read title using voice of "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons.
I'll not kvetch about my medical insurance situation again. Simply stated, I'm going to be off some very important medication because I can't afford it and once again, I slip through the cracks. Slam! ouch.
I have, however, reduced a cost by finding alternate transportation to the Doctor. I was picked up by a non-emergency medical transport, the round trip was $4 total. I've save at least $12 by using this instead of a taxi and I've avoided the panic/anxiety problem of walking to the bus stop.
I guess not everything is spiraling out of control. Yay.

Yawn

It's 1:27am but I didn't want to skip a day of writing. I want to write articles and such and this book I read about that says you must write every day.
Technically, I skipped Monday because it's officially Tuesday but I haven't gone to bed yet which makes it still kinda Monday. So I didn't skip shit!
Here's an interesting recipe. I had it for dinner.
Stroganoff with Veggies and Fried Chicken Patty
Serves 1 masochist.
1. Buy Lipton Stroganoff in package.
2. Follow directions for microwave but add frozen veggies. Feel clever about minimal mess, maximum yuminess (you hope).
3. Cook for ten min. as indicated by directions. Note that sauce is still watery.
4. Stick chicken patty on top of Stroganoff goop.
5. Cook for five more minutes until noodles are gummy, sauce is still watery but hot and chicken is soggy.
6. Choke it down while wishing you had money to order a fucking pizza.
~~~
Well, off to bed to listen to Led Zep until I fall asleep. Hopefully I'll be more clever in the morning. Or afternoon. Whatever.

The Clouds Move On

Ok, I'm better. Talked on phone with the Old Ball and Chain for awhile and felt cheered even though he is in another state. There is a good friend. You are blessed if your spouse is your friend.
Acceptance is key for the gloom passing. One must master the talent of standing in the ruins of one's life and laughing. Ruins can be rebuilt, differently and better. It's not the end of the world.
Most things do not lead to the end of the world. Most decisions can be made without fear of being drawn down some irrevocable path. Everything is fluid and changing around us. The paths shift and change. There is no need to fear.

More Church Stuff

I know this usually a tribute to my pagan fleshly side but bear with me.
Be aware that I am a poor example of a Christian. Don't focus on me.
Anyway. I get tired of ignorance. If you are going to criticize the church, have a little something to back it up with. Study the Bible (this does not mean merrily finding bizarre stuff in the Old Testament), learn a little about church history.
When I read about arguments against the church, I am stunned by how little the arguer actually knows. The other day I read an opinion that the Bible approves of slavery. This is a common mistake: if something is mentioned in the Bible, then it is approved. bzzzzt! Wrong!!
Then there was the person who stated that God disapproved of Cain because he was a vegetarian. I suspect this person was wanting to show off his cleverness under the guise of a legitimate discussion of the Bible. Equally annoying are some of the responses I see. Long, wordy and boring, they rarely get read through, I suspect.
Just make a simple point. I guess the desire to be thought clever is pretty seductive when it comes to discussing weighty matters.
I dislike knee-jerk reactions on the part of Christians too. Don't lose your cool in front of someone who thinks God approves of polygamy just because it's mentioned in the Bible. Sheesh.
The art of discussion is lost. People throw their manners, and their critical thinking skills out the window. They are more interested in spouting their beliefs than trying to understand the other guy's point of view. This is the reason I avoid the Fox News Channel.

Letting Go

I've had to let go of some expectations for the sake of my serenity. One of these is the expectation of fellowship in a church.
I'm too damaged and too different. I can't attend regularly. Guess what, when you don't show up all the time, people forget you. That's just the way it is.
I need a car. I need to fix my credit. Actually, my husband does. Since I'm married to him, it's the same as me having credit problems. It's mainly student loans. Our credit card debt is zero! I've been researching HUD homes since the next step (after purchasing a car) is to buy a house. Oddly enough, alot of HUD homes are located next to railroad tracks. There was one near Flagstaff, AZ (I love that area) for around 100k but it was actually between the tracks and the freeway. hah
Went to the grocery store today. I think I saw my neighbor there. My neighbor is a trip. He pulls his "toys"(RV/camper, ski-doos, boat) into his driveway on a regular basis but I never see him taking them anywhere. Then he stands around next to them. Then he returns them to the back of his property.

Horrid Thoughts

I was watching on the news about how the new President of Iraq said that we could leave in two years. this is great. He's picked the one issue that all Iraqis could agree upon: get the US out and become self-sufficient...an excellent politician.
Maybe this Iraq thing will turn out ok and the rest of the world will stop sniveling about it.
I don't understand this woman who is protesting the war because her son died. I mean, there is no draft. There was the reasonable expectation that going into the military meant possible combat. He went in with free will. Right? Maybe her grief blinds her to this. I feel badly for her but go home and shut up, ok?

Cool Quiz: What Kind of Killer Are You?

You are an assassin.
That means you are a professional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. At least, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to
not get to noticed, and dress in black or other
discrete colours. You don't being in the
spotlight and wish people would just leave you
alone. But once you do get close to someone you
have a hard time letting go and get real down
if you loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes


What Type of Killer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

HBO No Mo', Cryin'

The HBO fluke is over. Which is fine. I think I already watched the good movies they have. Mystic River sucked, btw. Too much atmosphere, too little thought.
My birthday is in seven days. I will be spending it alone. Maybe that is why I have been so emotional. Nothing like a birthday to bring out the desire for morbid reflection upon one's failures.
Picture Ozzy video "No More Tears" ...that's me right now. Surprised that I don't just float right on out of here.
There are three things I need to do.
1. I need to focus on the positive.
2. I need to accept my life as it is.
3. I need to seriously re-evaluate my goals and come up with some that are more reasonable. Something like "I will roll all those pennies and put them into the bank." This will replace "I will save and invest so that I may be fairly secure in my old age." The plus side being I will have enough money for the dogfood I'll be eating when I'm older.
hmmmm....
Nope, not ready to implement 1 and 2 yet. Not at all.

Ah So, Free HBO

Called satellite company, they aren't charging me and have no explanation but the free HBO continues.
So today I watched The Last Samurai. Tom Cruise may say stupid things in real life and I suspect his marriages are shams but he is a great actor...which is what really counts.
Up next is Mystic River. I'm not a fan of Sean Penn's big mouth but once again, good actor, good movie...
Slept most of the morning (this being a symptom of depression) but unfortunately left TV tuned to a series of shows on US prisons which gave me some odd dreams. I remember waking up briefly to hear some guard describe a human head rolling to his feet one evening.
One dream I had was one of the recurring ones. The scenery is always different but the basic element of the dream is that my mother has moved and I can't find her new home.
This one was slightly different in that I found what I thought was her home and then I wasn't sure. That didn't stop me from raiding the fridge though.

Total Frustration. Again

There are so many things I want to do. I'm not talking spoiled brat things like go to Tahiti for vacation.
I just want curtains on my windows. I want some lawn decorations. I want a car.
I want to get my bills cleared enough to where I can begin investing.
I want to cut costs.
I cannot. I can easier pull a monkey out of my ass than even begin to accomplish any fucking thing.
I can't even afford to pay the deductible on my health insurance which means I am paying through the nose for health insurance I can't use.
I'm telling you, if you're a young person. If you have medical problems, get treatment immediatley. Don't let yourself get so fried that you have to receive the pittance that is disability...unless you enjoy being ground down inch by inch every day, watching your hopes and aspirations dissipate like mist in the hot wind.

Too Much, Too Little

He's gone again. Feast or famine, we spend every moment together than bam, alone.
Time marches on, I had to run errands.
First chore, pay water bill before they shut it off and suck some more money out of me with turnoff fee, turnon fee, extra fee fee.
Then off to roll over stupid payday loan. Of course, I forget to stop by the bank and of course the bank near the loan place won't release any fucking money to me so back to my bank and did I mention I'm in a taxi this whole time?
I got that taken care of and realized I hadn't eaten anything all day so I had a cheeseburger. They say you're supposed to eat every morning, well then your body gets all used it and the first time you skip breakfast, it fucks you all up and you end up spending fifty-five fucking dollars for a scenic cab ride.
For some reason, we have HBO. I'm gonna go watch Dodge Ball then call them and ask if this is free or what? I watched Troy earlier today and Brad Pitt looked great but I wished he'd just keep his mouth shut and look pretty, you know what I mean?

Labor Day

El Viejo is here. There is no freight for him to haul until Tuesday. he brought his student with him. They are both still asleep so I've got my parrot out. He will probably be going back into his cage when they wake up as he dive-bombed our guest last night with the intent of piercing his ear.
The plan is to go to E.V.'s bud's house for bbq. We've done this before. It isn't always pretty. We'll see how it works out.
Booze is a tricky thing. A person can go from warm glow to intensely happy to spoilin' for a fight as the day wears on...the people I've always been acquainted with, anyway. I don't think I've ever been around "normal" drinkers.
Even as a kid, I would be subject to (being forced) dancing with a drunken aunt at a party or putting up with the liquor-soaked ramblings of some other adult.
I like having a blog. I write things that I can't tell those close to me. I don't really care if strangers read it.
But there's always that fear that someone I know is going to read about their role in my life here.
Fuck fear. When I was a kid, I went into my dark bedroom one time and stuck my legs way under my bed. Either there was a monster or there wasn't. There wasn't.

The Lord's Day

I've got a big hollow feeling of loneliness. I hate to admit it because I feel pathetic when I do.
I used to have alot of friends, a strong network of support, people who I'd go out to dinner with, shopping etc. Most importantly, these friends understood me and I understood them.
Over the past five years, most of my friends have died. Some of illness, some of old age, some of suicide.
The Old Man is gone all the time.
I am a Christian and I've gotten involved in church. I don't know how it used to be but the church, like the rest of the world, has become very self-absorbed, so "family-orientated" (trying to recreate the fifties) that there is no room for someone like me, married but with her husband gone all the time (not that he'd darken the door of a church anyway), no kids to fawn over, no job. I'm almost invisible.
Don't get me wrong. Family is wonderful. I suppose. The churches focus on it however has been subtly lessening the focus on reaching people with the message of salvation.
One group that has been marginalized this way is gays. Let's say a gay person comes to church, maybe feeling spiritually curious (and quite vulnerable, I imagine) and there's something announced about a boycott of products that sponsor a certain tv show with gays. "We must protect our children." Is this good for the gospel of Christ? Actually, we have become so vocal about these things, I'd be surprised if any gay person wanted to ever come into a church.
Besides, we are called to be in the world but not of it (I am a poor example of this but...). We are not called to sanititize the world for our children. Did Christ attempt to sanitize his world? He knew the time was short and it still is.
Guess what? Shelter your kids in Christian schools, isolate them in Christian social circles and when they grow up, the world will eat them alive. Or, even worse, they will have no way (or desire) to understand their fellow (non-Christian) human beings. Well-meaning but clueless, they'll make announcements in church about boycotting products to protect the children.

We Don't Really Even Need the French

...for the French Paradox. America has her share of great tasting food...pizza, cheeseburger and fries, clam chowder, lobster, southern fried chicken, Cobb salad, Apple Pie, any Pie, etc. etc. etc.
Try a teaspoon of real cream in your coffee some day.

The Freakin' Expensive Diet

Buy good quality food like unprocessed cheese, cookies made with real butter, fresh-baked bread, lean meats, extra-virgin olive oil, quality chocolate, avocados and non-iceberg lettuce(although iceberg is nice sometimes).
Eat smaller amounts because even though you are eating less, it tastes way better and is richer in nutrients.
Watch the pounds fly off (five so far).
Refuse to bow to the diet gods. Give them the finger.
Ironically, the special diet foods one can buy (Atkins, Southbeach, etc.) are even more expensive.
Here is a good article.

Total Frustration

My useless fucking wireless company, Sprint, keeps managing to sneak extra charges onto my account and I am fucking sick of it. So it says "manage your account online" and there's no way to remove the extra shit online. What kind of account managing is that?
Then my water company hangs door hangers to inform you you're late on water payment and charges $25 per door hanger.
Note to these companies: you are all a bunch of greedy cocksuckers. Burn in hell.
Fucking ridiculous...

It Was Chilly Last Night!

I keep having these dreams with Eminem for crying out loud. True, the man is around my age but...Eminem? Geez.
I also dreamed I was trying to cook rice at the home of an acquaintance but I couldn't find anything suitable: ingredients, pots, lids, nothing.
Woke up this morning with my right leg hurting. Yes, by cracky! It's gonner be a coooold winter, me right leg says so. *sigh*
September 14th, my birthday, approaches. (see pic for example of what I'll look like at that time)
Another year of hazy half-focused living has gone by.

Dull, Dull, Ack!, Dull

Woke up, had breakfast...
Then some horrifying time spent watching the Katrina situation on Fox. If I may "compare disasters", no heroic police stories here as with 9/11.
Indeed, the police(New Orleans) I saw could barely conceal their apathy and disgust.
One refugee said "This doesn't seem like America."
America is a place (in general) of convenience, abundant food, excellent utility supply (water, electric, gas, etc.) but it is amazing how quickly a part of the USA can be reduced to a place lacking even the basic convenience of dry ground.
This is how quickly fortunes change. This is the time to remember that we are not masters of the earth and all things pertaining to Nature.
How fragile we are! And how ignorant...
Anyway, back to my usual dull discourse: now that I finished the robe, I'm going to sew some home decor, namely valances for my living room.