Happy Halloween!

Hubby is bringing home the treats and some tacos, mighty hunter that he is...
Have a good one and don't get too scared!

Stupid Nutrition Facts

I have been thinking that I'd like to lose some weight. So I'm doing some research online and there's these retarded serving suggestions...like ten servings of fruit a day. No-one eats ten times a day.
Then there was this thing about how long you'd have to do something to burn x amount of calories. It comes up with you'd have to vacuum for 1 and 1/2 hours to burn calories from one muffin or something.
Who the fuck vacuums for 1 1/2 hours?? Fucking useless information. This is from our government too so you know your tax dollars were spent to come up with this brilliant bullshit.

Just Checking In

...for the sake of not skipping too many days, getting out of the blogging habit etc.etc.
Husband is home watching some dreadful zombie movie. I'm here on the computer and I'm just a tad moody today. I think it's hormonal.
I watched this really great movie called "A Walk To Remember" on tv tonight. Sooooo romantic with the theme of redemption through love...and good for some serious crying. lol
Earlier today I watched a movie called "Persuasion." It's based on a Jane Austen novel and it's a quiet movie but still very good with interesting characters. It's about a young high class woman who learns to think for herself in order to find happiness, rather than be "persuaded" to stay away from the man she loves for the sake of social appearances.
I always find shows about that group of people to be interesting: high society types who don't have much money anymore but have all the pride and even arrogance of their predecessors: the ones who actually made the fortune.

Hiatus

Hubby is home and computer is having problems...so won't be on for a few days....

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

...on the other hand, I like being "unique."
I should have kept writing last night but I was falling asleep over the keyboard. It's all gone now.
Slept most of the day, got various phone calls, all about everyone else and how they feel.
So..here I am with my birds and computer. May do some sketching later and watch tv. Right now, I'm just going to play on the computer.

A Lack of Perfection

Ah failure. I stayed up all night with extreme anxiety over taking those buses and being away from home. Was too tired to go and unable to force myself. So I canceled the appointment. It seems that I have to learn the same lessons over and over.
Over and over. And over. I'll write more tomorrow. I am totally burned out on massive online socializing. I hate being so weird. I wish I could be one of those people that work and go to church and have kids and just act fucking normal.
I mean I've been a freakshow my whole life, never quite feeling "a part of" things beginning with my heritage and on from there: the mental problems, the alcoholism(sober now), the lack of the usual trappings of society.

More Involved

I've been more involved in socializing on the net on forums, chat rooms etc. having to do with things I'm interested in.
It's been nice but a result of this is that I haven't been here much.
I'm also experiencing an unusual amount of calm. Not much to write about when I'm calm...lol
Tomorrow is my Dr. appt. I have to take the bus, leaving at 8:30am and returning at 3:30pm. As I suspected, it's going to be an all-day thing. I am terrified of what a cab might cost though.
So if you are the praying type, pray for me to have courage to get on the bus and get my butt over there.
In the future, I may rent a car for this appointment and do a bunch of other stuff I need a car for too.

Lists

Got this from Pink Sparkly Princess...things listed are in no particular order.
7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. Travel the world
2. Establish a philanthropic organization to help people and/or animals
3. Master a martial arts discipline
4. Get a degree in math or art
5. Space travel
6. Write a book
7. Learn some form of dance: belly dancing, flamenco, tango

7 Things I Can't Do
1. Sing
2. Dance gracefully
3. Be a "perfect size 6"
4. Wear a B Cup
5. Turn my hand clockwise while turning my ankle counterclockwise
6. Hang wallpaper
7. Knit evenly

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Se
1. A hint of wickedness
2. Intelligence
3. Strong, rough hands
4. Assertiveness
5. I like 'em tall
6. "Bad Boy" persona
7. Whatever it is that makes the sparks fly: chemistry

7 Things I Say Most Often.
1. Shit
2. Goddammit
3. Doh!
4. Woohoo!
5. I need a soda
6. I really should clean up around here
7. I'll do it tomorrow

7 Celebrity Crushes
1. Benicio del Toro (but not in Fear and Loathing, eww)
2. Harvey Keitel(ALice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, The Piano)
3. Brad Pitt
4. Heath Ledger
5. Orlando Bloom
6. Owen Wilson(the big shnoz adds interest)
7. Ice-T

7 People I Want To Inflict This On
Well, I am not personally acquainted with seven people who actually read my blog so if you are one of the unfortunates who have stumbled across it, tag-you're it! hehe

Titles. Bah!

I've got another doctor appointment on Friday. It's in another town (you have to travel between towns around here, they don't run together) and it may be an all day travel ordeal, like the Ingalls trekking across the prairie to some far away land where things are better...except I'll be riding on the bus.
Another psychiatrist. This is it, folks. Unless this one hops up and down on his chair and barks, he's a keeper. I'm tired of being off my meds.

Sigh, Spiritual Stuff

A sigh can signify many things. Mine is an all-inclusive sigh.
Just sitting here with my racing thoughts and high anxiety but I still feel ok deep down.
People speak of inner strength. For me, that means that deep down inside is a bedrock that does not quake in spite of whatever is going on. My bedrock is built of faith in a loving God and experience in trusting this God.
It's true that I've been through alot of ugly things, many of which happened in childhood and really weren't my fault at all. Of course, as an adult, I've made trouble for myself but have also been subjected to things I don't deserve that are out of my control.
So why believe in a God that allows bad things to happen? That's the age old question.
I think the answer is something slightly different for every person and each individual must find the answer for himself. I believe that every person who is earnestly seeking spiritual things will get an answer.
Endless discussion about it is pointless. One can always say "Yeah but..." to just about anything.
That's why I think every person must seek an individual relationship with God and find the answers together with God.
...if they are so inclined.

It's 4:53am

I cannot fucking sleep. I would just pack up and check myself into the psych ward except there is no-one to take care of my birds. And I fucking hate the psych ward.
Not to mention that it's far away in another town which means I would have to deal with the ER in this town and they are a bunch of assholes.
I'm all alone and I'm trying to be strong. But it's so hard. There's no-one to turn too.

Imaginings

I've been unhappy lately. Obviously. So I started imagining what if?
What if politicians' noses grew like Pinnochio's every time they lied?
What if doctors developed their patients symptoms and had to seek treatment when they mistreated a patient?
What if people who squandered money in huge amounts found their bank accounts mysteriously empty and some unmarked, untraceable money appeared in the hands of the needy at the same time?
What if the more beautiful you are on the inside, the more beautiful you appear on the outside?...and vice-versa with inner-ugliness...
What if every parent in the world knew instinctively how to love and nurture their children?
What if every broken heart were healed?

So I Went To the Doctor...

...and he was forty minutes late in seeing me. Then, without apology, he spent a total of fifteen minutes with me, asking rapid-fire questions. Some of which I answered incorrectly because I start drawing blanks under pressure.
Screw this guy. I'm making an appointment with the other Doctor in the office, the one I originally wanted an appointment with...provided that there is no other Doctor to see in my town. there probably isn't because it is a small town. I really need a car. This powerlessness over getting good treatment is really starting to fuck with me.

Let's Make Fun of "W"

Everywhere I turn, George W. Bush is the butt of jokes. You know what's funny?
He hasn't lied under oath.
He hasn't been impeached.
He hasn't shamed himself and his wife by getting caught with interns doing naughty cigar tricks in the oval office.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Not that I'm an extreme fan of Bush or the Republicans. I'm not a fan of the Democrats either.
The Republicans are for the rich and big business. We all know that. They do seem a touch more respectful of the common man though.
All I see from liberals is whining and the attitude that they are somehow above the common man because of their lofty liberal opinions.
I don't really like that the word "God" is being removed from all things American. I don't want to cram my personal religion down people's throats but I like the general idea of trusting in a higher power, of acknowledging a higher being. It seems to have worked for this country in the past.
This, according to the liberals, makes me one of them backwards Christian conservative nuts who want to cram the Bible down everyone's throat. I don't think I've ever seen such hostility towards the religious-minded.
You can excuse them by referring to Pat Robertson and abortion-doctor killers and all that but those people don't represent me. See, liberals don't allow discrimination against some groups of people. It's open season on other groups of people. That is what disgusts me. I don't know if all democrats are like that. The ones who are regularly quoted in the media seem to be.
If the Democrats want to be the party of the common man again, they need to stop bitching, rein in the nutballs and start coming up with a little respect for everyone in this country. Instead of launching an investigation every time a Republican twitches, they need to start coming up with some fresh ideas for this country.
I, for one, would be willing to listen if they could convince me that the Democratic party isn't just a socialist party in thin disguise...or that they wouldn't remove God from everything even unto removing my right to speak His name.
Yes, the Republicans are scary. The Democrats are scarier.

Blogging Helps

I read what I posted last. It kind of makes me wince and I want to erase it. I think I'll leave it though because it was how I truly felt at that moment. I got the bad poison thoughts out of my system.
That's how some thoughts and beliefs are. They are a sort of poison that slowly kills your soul. It's weird, really. I may have a belief and believe it wholeheartedly. I may treasure it and nurse it and it may be completely false.
I am one of those people with a gift for wholehearted belief in falsehoods...especially if they chip away at my self-esteem. I'm twisted that way. Thats why I have to keep examining my ideas and attitudes.

Babies Again, Goddamit

The way I feel today is: I do not feel like a whole and complete woman because I do not have kids. I feel like a unvalidated husk of a woman. I feel lacking, inadequate, less than.
It seems to me that when I die, there will be nothing left of me. And before I die, my life will be considerably lonelier without any grown children and grandchildren.
I don't think these attitudes have been foisted upon me entirely by society. I think they also come from that deep primal urge to reproduce. Either way, it is fucking with my self-esteem.
No amount of "positive self talk" about "women's changing roles and values" is going to help. In short, I am unable to kid myself any longer. Not having any babies hurts! I hate the very idea!
Goddammitgoddammitgoddammitgoddammit!

I Hate This

Hmm...I've probably used this title before, looks familiar.
Anyway, I stayed in bed until around 4:30 pm today, just too depressed to get up.
So it is 2:07 am and I'm wide awake and it is even more depressing. I feel like the only person on earth. Even my usual chatrooms are empty and quiet. My husband is near but can't come home. He's got a cold and didn't really want to talk. I just feel so alone sometimes. I feel so isolated and strange. I wonder if people stare at me, looking at the general disarray of my clothes and hair.
So I only come out late at night, like Boo Radley. I imagine my skin turning a milky white from lack of sun, my eyes bugged out from trying to see in the dark. I creep around quietly, moving my trash cans to the curb. I can see the glow of a tv in a neighbor's window. The stars are bright and my only company. The air is fresh and damp.
Then I creep back in and double-lock my door.

Buffet

...meaning I'll probably ramble about some random stuff.
I saw two different movies this weekend. The first one I saw was called "The Hours." It is three stories intertwined: one story about a 50s housewife who is secretly a lesbian but is slowly dying inside as she sacrifices herself to her husband and community's ideals of femininity and normalcy. Her anguish is witnessed only by her little son.
The second story is about a modern-times woman who is openly in a lesbian relationship, she and her lover live together. This woman is also obsessed with having a party for a dying male friend (possibly a former lover?). The third story is that of Virginia Woolf, writer of Mrs. Dalloway (A book that I'm gonna have to read now).
The stories intertwine and as a whole, the movie was, frankly, depressing with two suicides at the end. Regardless, it was engrossing because it had almost a mystical quality as the lives of these women seemed to interact with Ms. Woolf's writing of her story. At one point she decides "not to kill the heroine" of her story almost as if she senses the future impact. This decision coincides with a very crucial moment in the life of the 50s woman. There are more twists and the main characters are interesting in their desperation. I spent the movie hoping that they'd find some kind of peace and they did, kind of. It left me a little dissatisfied though it was an excellent film.
Not every movie that ends in a couple of deaths leaves me depressed. One of my favorite movies, The Last of the Mohicans, came on tonight. Two sisters come to America to be with their father right in the middle of the French-Indian War (I think...) and their dad is a British commander. Right away, the girls' fate gets all tied up with three men, two Mohicans and one white man raised almost from birth by the Mohicans.
I can't really tell the story at all without ruining it but it's one of my favorite movie themes: when people teach each other, and learn through, love. In this case it's a story of sacrificial love and redemption and the characters are less than perfect. But the way they love each other is perfection. What greater love is there than to lay your life down for another? Or so the story goes...I usually start tearing up halfway through the movie and I'm openly crying by the end. It's a good catharsis if you need to cry and the story, while sometimes very grim, is uplifting because of that theme of love. There are tons of heartstopping romantic moments in this movie too. If you're into that sort of thing. Which I definitely am. ;)
On a more serious but somewhat related note:
I need to mourn alot of people who have died in the past few years. I don't like feelings. I'd rather be numb than have to go through feelings of loss and sorrow. I can't be numb anymore though...not without some serious alcohol and drug abuse. I choose not to do that self-destructive stuff any more.
So I need to mourn and I'm not sure how. It's been recommended to me that I go to a bereavement support group. I'm considering it. I've been considering counseling too. Once again, I find myself at a turning point in life or a point where I need to grow as a person. During these times, I find myself drawing closer to God and I seek out spiritual ideas and experiences. I tend to read more too, books about whatever it is I'm struggling with. I may go on over to Amazon after this and browse and possibly order a book or two...or maybe one of those themed, guided journals. Those have always worked well for me.
I talked to a friend who has a newborn baby today and I felt that sorrow again, that sense that I'm not quite a complete woman without having had children. On a conscious level, I reject that idea...but it lurks underneath the surface...it coalesces into feelings of failure.
I think I'm reminded of it because I do have so much time for introspection because I do not have to care for any children. Many women with children would probably tell me I'm lucky but deep down, they know that they wouldn't trade places with me, not in a million years. Smug bitches.

Just Checking In

Not well physically or mentally. No emergencies or anything. I just feel crappy.
Just writing today so I don't get out of the habit.
Gonna lay on the couch under the blankets and watch tv now.
Hugs to my online friends. :)

Issues, Issues, Issues

...or lack thereof. I don't trust my judgement right now. Still very depressed...then it perpetuates itself. I've been thinking of dearly-loved people who have died.
About two years ago, over the course of two years, many of my closest, dearest friends, the ones who understood me best, died. They died for various reasons: natural causes, disease, old age. I felt like a piece of me, a valuable part of my life, died with each one.
Shortly afterward, my husband and I realized a long-planned for event: we were able to move out of the big city and into a nicer, quieter community.
The combination, however, hasn't been good for me. I've found it so difficult to set down roots here and I have very little desire to make friends. I still mourn for my old friends. I've made a friend here and there in this town but they don't last. I've tried getting involved in church but I just don't seem to connect with anyone. Others don't seem interested in getting to know me either. Or they say they want to be friends but don't return my calls so I give up. Or they turn out to be what I'll call psychic vampires: people who can generate no positive energy of their own and suck it out of others.
Anyway, I am just very depressed and lonely as I sit here in front of my computer. I'll be so glad to be back on medication, not so much that it alters my mind but that it seems to keep the thoughts moving along so I don't get bogged down like this.
And bogged down I am, I'm in a prison of my own imagining. I feel trapped therefore I am trapped.
Yet, there is a grain of truth to it. I need to mourn properly and move on. I need to continue to live and carry the memory of my dead friends but still, go on living, Their end is not my end. I am still here.

Really Really Depressed

...but there's light at the end of the tunnel. I finally have enough money to see the Dr. So I'm on the phone right now making an appointment.
Other than that, I've been depressed, mainly panicky and my hours are all fucked up. I was supposed to run errands today but I find myself afraid to leave the house. I will be forcing myself to go do my errands tomorrow morning. One more afternoon of feeling safe in my house should do it.
I can't sleep, then I sleep too much so I end up sleeping all day which is even more depressing. It's self-perpetuating. Sometimes I eat alot of sugary stuff because it makes me feel a little better then there's regret for eating so much junk and a feeling of powerlessness and and and...
My appointment is for Oct. 13th, 10 more days to go.
It turns out that I need to pay between $80-$100, they didn't tell me that last time. I couldn't get a straight answer out of them last time. I hate being at the mercy of these fuckheads. I need them. I need them to write the prescriptions, I need their knowledge of the drugs but they are human, like me and they fuck up big time. They won't admit their fuck-ups though. Fucking useless.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Got it yesterday, finished reading it today. Hated the ending! Hated it!
If you want to read the rest of this post which includes spoilers, highlight text below to read it better.
How could Ms. Rowling kill Dumbledore so soon after the death of Sirius? And after a mission of pure futility? Unless she is planning to make it a fake death (and I sincerely hope she is just as I hope Snape is a double agent within Voldemort's outfit, she seems to be dropping hints on this although it could be me being hopeful), it is just a bit too much. I know she had plans to make the books "darker" as they proceeded but you've got to leave your audience with some hope, some bit of happiness. The ending to HBP left me dissatisfied and sad. The whole book up to that part was good, maybe a little slow then BAM. Slow pace for 80% of it, sudden horrible news, the end. Not a good way to construct a book. I'm not too angry though because obviously this was a "transitional" part of the series. It wouldn't stand on its own but it's necessary to the whole. Transitionals are never satisfying, take "Part 2" of many movie trilogies for example.
Still, I am not left with a pleasant feeling after HBP. I'm not looking forward to the movie on it as I am not looking forward to the coming movie in which Sirius dies.
Harry's break up with Ginny was surprising but makes sense. Ms. Rowling can't turn the threesome into a cutesy coupled-up foursome, not while Voldemort still lives. She has to maintain the theme of friendship between the original three and anything between Ron and Hermione will remain on the back burner until all is resolved, I'm sure.
One last note on the movies and any following books: of course I will see/read them. I'm still a huge fan. I cannot lie.