True Confessions

I have been reading alot of political blogs and news bits lately. I've noticed that I'll read a blog (or watch a news program) in depth if the opinions agree with my own. I'm more likely to move on if the opinions do not, especially when there's name calling and other childish stuff. I have to confess I enjoy the childish stuff just a little when it lines up with my beliefs.
I wonder if most Americans are like this? We are already pretty much decided and just look for stuff that lines up with our worldview.
Here is my point and I focus exclusively on those claiming to report the news (I mean news journalists, not bloggers, not editorials):
If the American public chooses news outlets based on their political leanings
Then How much more important is it for journalists to provide facts only and leave any opinion out of it?
Very important.
Very very important.
Not that I'm a journalism expert. I'm an average American shmuck who checks "some college" on surveys. Regardless, I always thought that the news was to be "just the facts." There is so much opinion passing for news these days, so much omission of or excessive focus on certain facts. The journalists who do this aren't doing us any favors. They aren't doing their jobs.
In case you are wondering, I'm not sure what I am politically. I tend to have more in common with the republicans but there are things like healthcare and the rights of the working class that I'm more likely to line up with the historical democratic party.

The Inner Book

I always thought that I had a book in me, waiting to be written. I've never really had a focus for it until now.
Through recent negative experiences, I've come up with an idea for a book and I even have a basic outline (the freeform thought bubbles type, not the orderly roman numerals type).
It's a subject I feel needs to be addressed too. I don't really want to say much more than that.
But I am very excited about this.

50-foot Jim Morrison Monster, weird snack

To explain the title: I had a dream that I was being chased by a huge monster that looked like Jim Morrison except it had glowing eyes and horns.
A typical theme in my dreams (those that don't include monsters) is that I am in a car but there is something wrong. The brakes are out or the steering doesn't work. In this dream, the car theme returned except the car wouldn't start and the key wouldn't fit so I had to take off on foot and hide from Monstrous Morrison.
The monster turned out to not be evil, it just had the mentality of a three year old (the kind that picks cats up by the tail) in a huge body.
I kept hiding anyway. I don't remember the rest of the dream.
I bought this jar of "Aunt Nancy's" Pickled Beets in the grocery store the other day. The idea of pickled beets appealed to me. Later I came to my senses and decided it was gross and set it on the shelf. Well, tonight I opened the jar and you know what? Pickled beets are pretty tasty. I'm thinking they might be good on a sandwhich....with corned beef.

I'm So Shallow

When I get on the computer, I always glance at the news stories on Yahoo. So what have we today? Activists Captive in Iraq...Death Row Inmate Given Stay of Execution...Global Warming....
Informal reports of Xbox 360 glitches surface!!! **Click!**
I've been getting free samples in the mail. I decided I wanted to get in on this free samples from the Net thing, right? So I joined some of these online clubs (using an email addy exclusively for that purpose, don't use your regular email addy) and they are all smoke and mirrors. All of the ones I've joined anyway.
So I went to Yahoo and Google and searched on the words "free sample." This brought up alot of different items and I've even received some of them. The nicest thing I've gotten so far is free sample of Bernat "Disco" yarn, an "eyelash" yarn with a nice sheen to it which I'd value between $5-$7. They also sent a catalog and some free patterns. I may order from the catalog. I only order samples I will actually use.
I really mean it about the email address too. I get 75+ emails on that address per day, most of them worthless.

It Wasn't So Bad

I slept until 3:30pm today, over 14 hours. That's what depression and fear do to me if I'm lucky. When I go into a deeply depressive state, I actually can't sleep and I hear "things" shall we say...Things that aren't there.
Anyway, when I'm like this, I get up early to let my parrot out of his cage. Sometimes he perches on the shower rod in the bathroom(right next to my room), other times, he perches right on my shoulder as I sleep, keeping vigil and occasionally grooming my hair. He's a faithful little friend.
Today, he perched on my shoulder. It was comforting.
I did finally make myself wake up and after some creative rearranging of funds and finances, I called a cab and went to pay the water bill. I was able to pay the whole amount and they have a dropoff mailbox type thing so I didn't have to go in and risk getting royally pissed...not that I would blow up at anyone (except that one snide bitch I talked to on the phone) but I would go home nursing a simmering rage until I got rid of it somehow. Believe me, even though I get angry, I try hard as hell not to hold on to anger.
The cab driver wasn't a favorite of mine. He decides his own tip and gives change accordingly. He's weasly and boring too.
The little mom and pop coffeehouse down the street went out of business in less than six months. That was sad but probably for the best because a Starbucks is opening in their near vicinity within the next year anyway.
I wonder what business will go there next and how it will do?
Seems like the businesses that survive well are mortuaries and liquor stores...and Walmart, of course...fucking Walmart. Another love/hate relationship.

He's Gone

...hubby left for the open road tonight and the holiday is officially over. Tomorrow, facing the water department. Paying to take a cab to the water department then making payment arrangements and trying to keep my cool while I do it. I'm not sure that I can.
They don't take payment arrangements on the phone. You have to go down there and stand at the window while they sit and look smugly up at you through the protective glass.
I was supposed to go to the Dr. tomorrow but I can't afford it, can't afford the drugs and can't afford the water bill epecially when they add their crooked little $25 late fee.

Love Actually

This movie is about (at least) eight different stories of love in its various stages. Once you get the idea that you will not be spending more than three minutes at a time with any of the characters, it's an enjoyable movie.
The characters are interesting even though there are so many of them. It does get a little thin in spots but overall flows smoothly and it did make me cry just a little at the sniffly-romantic spots.
I did also get to finish Spirited Away and damned if it didn't start to fuck up in the exact same spot as the previous dvd. For a moment I thought I was just seeing things or engaging in some "Groundhog Day" type snafu.
Watching the sticky part in fast forward really helped and I don't think I missed much by way of dialogue.
So those puppies go in the mail tomorrow and the next movies I get will be "Meet The Fockers" and "Raising Helen."
I looooooove Netflix.
If you are a reclusive hermit who cringes at the thought of dragging your misanthropic ass down to Blockbuster, Netflix is for you. They didn't pay me to say that either.

Yes, but...

Just sitting here contemplating if I want to order pizza. Since I just cooked for two, the leftovers are pretty much gone.
I was reading another blog and that person had brought up something about her blog reflecting who she really is. There was more than that but that was the part that really caught my attention and started me thinking along similar lines.
Does my blog represent who I really am?
I would say, "Yes, but..." My blog captures snapshot-like moments in my life and in my feelings. I just write it out here. That's why one moment I'm all peaceful and talking about God and the next entry has me cursing the very name of the Water Department (Insurance Company, etc...Whoever got me mad that day). Believe me, I feel conflicted about that. I sometimes think I should have this really spiritual blog with Bible quotes and pithy reflections on being a woman of God but that's just not the purpose here. The purpose is to understand myself better and maybe someone else who has a lot of inner conflict can read this and not feel alone. The secondary purpose is to keep me writing on a daily basis since I do want to make a career of writing.
So this blog does reflect me as who I am and I'm either more vitriolic than the average person or more honest about what goes on inside my head.
Now for the "but..." There are some things that I'm not going to put on here...And if you only know me from reading my blog, then you have an incomplete picture of me because of the limits I place on what I write. That isn't a particularly big deal because how well do we know people we meet in everyday life anyway?
Maybe I will start an incredibly spiritual blog...It can be a Dr. Jekyl-Mr. Hyde kind of thing...or it can provide balance in the universe...or it can start me on the road to some personality disorder...

Christmas Thoughts, Other Thoughts

Just watching the holiday madness on TV, today being "Black Friday", the official first shopping day of Christmas. I've become confident with shopping online, myself, which is good because there isn't a lot of variety in my little town when it comes to shopping.
Looks like the Xbox 360 is going to be the lusted-after rarity this Christmas.
I went up to my kitchen sink and looked out the window and my neighbor already has all kinds of decor on his front lawn. So I had my usual grumpy knee-jerk reaction which was "So this is what I'll be forced to look at every time I approach my kitchen sink for the next month."
But then I tried to have a more charitable thought, which was "His kids must be excited. What a nice dad." Now pick your jaw up off the desk. I can have charitable thoughts, dammit.
He did have what seemed to be a new car in the driveway. I'm pretty sure it's his because he was caressing it and patting it like it was his new mistress.
Now on the other side of my house, they were hard at work all Thanksgiving Day and today too. I hope whoever it is got paid well for having to miss their holiday. It sounds like they're on the roof for the most part.
Got an undamaged version of "Spirited Away" from Netflix Wednesday and today I got another movie: "Love Actually" which I've been wanting to see forever. I hope to watch them soon and of course, I'll come on here and bitch about it.

Various Topics

A good time was had by all...it was just hubby and me, actually. Turkey came out pretty good. I had the oddest thought when I was preparing it-the thought of Egyptian burial rituals. Preparing the turkey for its spiritual journey...
Anyway...I guess this is the speedy downward slide into Christmas now. I'm not feeling particularly enthusiastic about Christmas but I'm not having a good day mentally. It's hard for me to rid myself of anger and depression these last few days and I have some worries too.
I'm supposed to go to the Dr. again on Monday but I've got to pay my water bill. This Dr. is so new, he hasn't finished applying with various insurance companies including mine which means that not only am I paying cash, what I pay may not apply to my deductible.
It will get sorted out eventually, I'm sure but in the mean time, I'm left with difficult decisions to make.

Happy Thanksgiving

"Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor, and whereas both Houses of Congress have by their joint Committee requested me "to recommend to the People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of Almighty God especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness."
-George Washington

Clues On The New Neighbors?

They have been banging around over there like all get out and there's a huge dumpster out front that gets fuller and fuller...but these are obviously hired guys, not homeowner/do-it-yourselfers.
Hubby's theory is that someone is preparing the house to be rented out. That's cool with me. Anyone is cool with me as long as they leave me the fuck alone.

The Night Before Turkey Day

I'm already sorely tempted to have a teeny tiny slice of pumpkin pie. Just a little microscopic slice. Hubby has threatened nameless dire things if I do but who's scared of him?(maybe if I took a little piece and kind of camouflaged the area...)
Got the turkey out to thaw this afternoon. I hope I didn't wait too long. It's a smallish one: 14 lbs. I think I will prepare it breast-side up. Since I'm not "doing" stuffing, I may chop an onion and celery and stuff the bird with that and some herbs. The flavor kind of "steams" into the meat. I also rub the breast with salt and pepper and I may try olive oil too. My mother-in-law used to lay strips of raw bacon across the breast...hmmm. Hubby will be stopping by the store tonight, methinks. He may as well get a bulb of garlic so I can take individual cloves and tuck them under the turkey skin.
The turkey will get cooked first, then while it's "resting" and cooling down, the side dishes will be baked.
After dinner, I'll stick in the pies. Not sure when I'll make the mashed potatoes which will be from scratch. I got some yukon Gold potatoes which have a flaky texture, are somewhat golden in color and have a good flavor. Of course, I add real butter as I mash them. Got some canned milk, may use that in lieu of regular milk.
The only other stovetop item will be the gravy, also from scratch. Maybe I'll prepare the side dishes tonight so they'll be ready to just stick in the oven tomorrow. I bought canned cranberry relish.
Watching some sort of "marathon" on TV is usually something I like to do. I know the Detroit Lions are playing... I'm not a football fan but may have it on for background ambiance. Hubby will be bonding with his laptop, I'm sure.
I will probably be on here tomorrow since I don't have, like, a family and I have a lot of time for myself during these golden years of reproduction.

Public Service Announcement

I am, at times, foul-mouthed, short tempered, immature, downright childish, subject to fits of self-pity and totaly unfair, illogical and self-centered.
This in no way reflects on the God I choose to worship. He's a good God and has lots of patience with the more delinquent of His children.
There are plenty of great, deeply spiritual Christian blogs out there that you would be much better off reading.
This is not a Christian blog, it is a blog written by a backslidden lousy Christian.
Thank you for your time.

A Love Letter To The Water Dept

Dear Representative of the Local Water Dept:
I just want you to know that you are a total bitch and your job is meaningless at best, evil at worst.
Charging people $25 when they are a couple weeks late on the bill is robbery and even though you didn't make the policy, you enforce it and are a snide worthless piece of shit besides. Your insinuations and veiled insults made me dizzy with anger so congrats on your success as a waste of oxygen and other valuable resources.
Burn in hell.
Sincerely,
Dissatisfied Customer

Dream

I dreamed I lived in a house on a lake. It was on the lake, not by the lake. I could see the dark grey water rushing by from the window. My sister was there but she was a little girl again (a common theme in my dreams). I had a toy devil made of tin which I didn't like and threw into the lake. It transformed into a real creature, a sort of centaur with a devil's face and it started swimming for shore. I could see its shape underwater as it swam and it stuck its horrid head above water for air once in awhile.
I found that I also had a toy angel made of tin which I also threw into the lake.
It turned into a real angel that went gliding underwater after the devil but emerged bloody and bruised and it flew in the opposite direction. Then the dream went to other things that I don't remember.

Movies, Etc.

Finally got around to watching the newest round of Netflix mailings. First I watched "Almost Famous" which, it turns out, I've seen before, may have napped through it because it wasn't overly familiar. A very good movie about this really lucky kid that goes on tour with a rock band. the crashing airplane scene towards the end is priceless. Through the whole thing, the kid is on the phone to Lester Bangs, who I am not familiar with. He was a renowned rock critic who wrote for Creem. I used to read Creem in the eighties but I guess Bangs was a little before my time. I wanted to read some of his stuff online but all I found were links to fucking Amazon...which lead me to find out that there is a rerelease of Pamela DeBarres autobiography "I'm With The Band", her life as a groupie, which I would like to read...so off to fucking Amazon. It's a love/hate relationship.
Then I saw the first part of "Spirited Away" an anime film and it was sooooo good then the disc was damaged and couldn't finish it and I almost was hopping up and down with frustration. The Japanese are so creative, they have no need for acid, I'm sure.
Went to see The Last Psychiatrist In Town earlier today. I really hate the "new psychiatrist" routine though, which means I have to list medications, rehash hospitalizations, dredge up childhood abuse, get various tests (blood for example), etc. But he and his staff seem competent. He wants me to keep a journal. Ha. So, in addition to this online journal, I will keep a clandestine handwritten notebook type journal on actual paper.
I lifted the ban on junkfood. It seems like the more I ban something, the more obsessed I become with it. I really don't like when all my thoughts are filled with Walker's Shortbread cookies.
Hubby never did go back to work. We played Champions of Norrath together the other night and he helped me with the Very Important mission of continuing to clear dungeons of goblins...we also killed some minor bosses together which really helps the marital bond.

Shopping, Cooking Contemplations

Ok, so 24 hours after he was supposed to go back on the road, hubby is still home.
We are running low on food (as always happens rapidly when he's home, his nickname being "Search and Destroy") so we just did most of the Turkey day shopping tonight too, excluding the eggnog because it will *not* last until Thursday...spent $115 ...not too bad...picked up Slurpees at 7-11 on the way home too. That is another rare treat.
What I like about the holidays is that the stuff cooked is comfort food, much of it originating from cans and easy to cook (unless you are some Martha Stewart style cook who has to have fresh cranberry mousse flambe prepared from scratch or something similar).
The neighborhood cats get their own little treat this year. My mother in-law was the giblet fan but she's gone now so the cats get the giblets and the neck.
Last year, I cooked the turkey breast side down and it was so tender that it collapsed off the bones when I tried to turn it right side up...the downside to this is that there is no crispy skin on the breast as when you cook it tits-up. So not sure what I'm going to do this year but it's a pleasant thing to contemplate. It really is. I'm almost in a thankful mood and happy that this T-Day is going to be low-stress, just cooking for hubby who will eat almost anything I place before him.
I always do the green bean casserole a little different each year. This year I'm using french cut green beans, cheddar crispy onions (Durkee brand?) and adding slivered almonds. Some years I add bacon or sliced onions or grated cheese.
Got some yukon golds for the mashed potatoes...thinking of adding olive oil and butter instead of just butter, maybe some mashed cooked onion too. The yams are going to be pretty simple with a marshmallow topping.
Hubby got his three pies with a slight variation: pumpkin, dutch apple and cheesecake along with a big freakin' tub of Cool Whip. There was a "no sugar added" pumpkin pie there but we gave it a wide berth and crept quietly away.

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lawns

Hubby is still home, sleeping and occasionally waking up to say "I'm hungry."
I watered the lawn in acknowledgement of the neighborhood lawn Nazis. There are more and more of them here. I used to feel quite comfy in my half-pink/half-beige house(landlord's fault, I just rent) with the weedy lawn (I think of it as indigenous vegetation) because there were similar crappy lawns/houses on either side of me. You could set your watch to the lawns across the street, they are so picture-perfect.
Then someone bought the house next to me and it's all painted one color with co-ordinating trim and the lawn is just stellar in its green crewcut.
So then there were two, that's my crappy lawn and the crappy lawn belonging to the drug dealer next door (plus he had an open hole in his driveway which made my dirt driveway look slightly classier) but he got divorced, had to sell the place and is gone...not that I'm really really sorry to see him go, but he didn't mess with me and I didn't mess with him.
So now "someone" is cleaning up over there and I imagine some suburban Martha Stewart clone is going to move in there and really make my house look like shit.
In that case, there's only one crappy lawn left in my immediate vicinity and that's the guy across the street, two lawns over. He actually got one of those "clean it up" tags from the city one time(so did I but that's neither here nor there).
He's kind of like me, a pale hermit that rarely comes out of the house and when he does anything out there, he wears these bright yellow dishwashing gloves.
In defence of my lawn, it's rarely over four inches high, the gophers enjoy rooting around ( I like to watch them) and the birds find interesting things to eat or play with in it. I've got a nice big row of lavender bushes on the side of the house that the hummingbirds love...and I live in California where water is precious so if I don't water the lawn that often, I'm a conservationist, right?...and if the newspaper breaks down in it, it's kind of like I'm composting...

Feeling Better Already

I got all that stuff about church off my chest and I felt better, like congestion breaking up in my soul. I even prayed a bit longer than usual that night, just thanking God for being understanding about my criticism of His people. He knows I'll get over it. But I've got to get through it first.
There's going to be a Part 2 on Me vs Church pretty soon but the ideas are only half-formed for now.
In the meantime, hubby just mentioned that his trucking company is having a t-shirt design contest with $500 to the winner so I'm off to check that out.
Oh and I now have an appointment with the psychiatrist for Monday at 3:30pm. He returned my call personally yesterday and told me that his secretary would call me this morning at 9am, which she did. She was really professional too not like "Duh-Girl" at the office of the last psychiatrist.
Well, we'll see. At this point, the guy can be clothed in a Baby Huey getup whilst swinging from a jungle gym while we talk and I'm going to keep coming back anyway.
I really need the medication. I have been having long bizarre dreams and have been staying in bed until 3pm. I've been staying in bed longer and longer, just unable to completely wake up and face the day.

A Possibility

My chronic mental illness causes alot of misunderstanding. I think the problem is that many Christians, although well-meaning, are quite ignorant when it comes to diseases of the mind.
Anytime I've broken down and opened up about my diagnoses (Major Depression, Panic Disorder, OCD and a couple more), well-meaning Christians approach me from the viewpoint that I am spiritually immature or deficient somehow, lacking in faith, perhaps even "opressed."
I remember one hip young pastor at a hip young church who got upset with me because he thought I was in need of salvation due to my deep depression and when I explained that I was a chronically depressed Christian, he got quite righteously pissed at my lack of faith and lack of desire to turn to the Lord.
He didn't understand what it's like when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain that profoundly fucks with your feelings, down to your innermost being.
That was the worst example. The best example is that when I go into a depression, I lose interest in things that usually makes me happy (like church) and people forget about you when you don't attend. They forget quickly. I could have let them know why I would isolate myself but that would bring up the first problem (depression as spiritual deficiency). It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
I'm not condemning anyone (except for that Pastor. he should have known better)...but I do tend to slip through the cracks. I really wish I could just give up on my expectations from organized religion.
Maybe writing this out will exorcise that demon.
I want you to understand that I'm not a "me-me-me" kind of person. I'm really not. I show up wanting to be involved rather than to be served. An inflated sense of entitlement is not the problem here.
Being chronically misunderstood or forgotten is my problem.
Ok, that is enough poking at sacred cows for one night.

Anatomy of a Resentment

I have a problem and I'm not sure if it's my problem or if the blame is shared. Like many people, I have a problem with religion.
Two qualifiers: the first is that my problem is not with God. I get along well with God and at my best, have a positive relationship with Him and would never abandon Him.
Second qualifier: I understand that many many people lead happy useful lives through religion and that it is a good thing in general.
So what is my problem? Truthfully, I'm not quite sure. I know that I want to get past it, to make peace, so to speak. That is the main reason for this blog, to make peace with life in general and to grow as a person. It may seem at times that I'm regressing but two steps forward, one step back. That's me in a nutshell.

Another List

Talked to hubby on the phone. He is less than two hours away and stuck there with a broken down truck.
Anyway, we got to talking about Thanksgiving. I really don't feel like having company or being company so I told him I'd cook what he wanted and we could just eat together and here's the list:
Turkey, Mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, sliced white bread, and the stuff I like: yams with marshmallows and homemade cranberry sauce. I may make stuffing but he doesn't like it...or I may not since I've got six things to cook already.
here's the kicker: the man wants three different pies. His new nickname is Piglet...and the pies will be store-bought. I like to bake but I'm not a martyr, besides my oven scorches baked goods.

An Observation

I would kill for an apple fritter.

The Laundry List

Got the number of the last dr. in town that I haven't been to and they're calling me back tomorrow for an appointment. I decided to plan ahead and write down significant stuff before the appointment and it was kind of amusing. Here are the psychiatric drugs I've been on over the years:
Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Risperdal, Desiprimine, Imiprimine, Welbutrin, Topamax, Serzone, Celexa, Effexor, Buspar, Valium, Ativan, Xanax, Atarax, Klonopin, Trazodone, Lithium, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Mellaril...there may be more. It's been a few years.
Some of the lowlights: the ones that caused me to see big hairy spiders coming at me and the joy of the Dr. telling me that was an impossible symptom to have...the ones that "may" cause fatal liver failure or diabetes-like symptoms, the weight gain, the one that made my skin feel like it was crawling, the one that made me want to hide under tables, the one that made mymouth so dry I choked every time I ate, the one that made me very very constipated (I will spare you the details), the one that I became dependent on without realizing it only to suffer lovely withdrawal symptoms when I stopped(forgot to take it with on my honeymoon), the ones I had withdrawal symptoms from that the Dr said I shouldn't be having, the ones that sent me straight to the psychward diagnosed with "reaction to medication"...
And then there are the three that I've been on recently that do help me to function or did until the deductible/incompetence snafu that I've been raving about these past two months got me off of them.
..and I don't need to exercise more or engage in positive thinking and I've already "got Jesus" thank you, I'm just a regular gal with a chronic condition.

One Tiny Spiritual Item, My Parrot

I was able to say a prayer last night. First time in awhile. I don't know why I have such trouble with spiritual matters.
Sometimes I think it may have something to do with having been in a cult for the first eleven years of my life. Still, I try and I think God honors every effort.
and now for something completely different: I am watching my parrot systematically destroy the drapes. He's being quiet so I'm letting him. He's usually behind them, working on a particular area and I occasionaly see his tail or maybe an eyeball peeking out. He's an industrious little guy.

Stuff I Like Today

The following cartoons:
Harvey Birdman
Inuyasha
other tv shows:
The Office
The Simpsons
Internet fun:
blogging
a game called Dragon Court
Pogo (more games)
learning about "felting"(an old way of making fabric from knit or mesh wool)
PS2: Champions of Norrath: I am on a very important mission to clear dungeons of goblins. Very Important.
I ate:
Hot Pockets Meatball/Mozarella sub
Salad with Bleu Cheese dressing and croutons
Diet, Caffeine Free Coke (it's not that bad, just a little Flavor Free)

Further Insurance Stupidity

So I called the ins co, United Healthcare, today to ask what the missing piece of evidence was. They sent a request (I never recieved it) for proof of concurring insurance. I explained that the proof of no lapse in insurance and concurring insurance were explained in the same letter anyway! Proof of this, proof of that, all in hopes that patients will pay out of pocket rather than hassle with it, I'm sure.
"Managed Care"-as in managing to make their stockholders wealthy and their so-called customers poor and sick.
A few moments of silence and the phone person, who was pleasant enough, said she's resubmit the claim and that I didn't need to go through the appeals process like it stated in the letter.
So we'll see what happens next. All this over $84? Well, folks, I can't afford $84 especially when my husband puts out twice that per month to pay for so-called insurance. This only one of two disputed claims. Of course when I call the Drs office to find out if they've taken any action on their end, they cheerfully inform me that I can pay it and then wait until the ins co pays, if ever, for credit...and they never let on if they've tried billing the other insurance I had at the time.
How can I have two valid types of insurance and still be stuck with the bill?!

for Princess

All the best to you.
Steph

Things That Are Bothering Me

In No Particular Order
1. I do not feel particularly close to God right now.
2. I don't have a desire to be close to God right now. Actually, the less emotion I feel the better
3. I have no energy thus resulting in me being a failure before I even get started on anything because I don't have the energy to fucking get started.
4. Healthcare issues: moronic doctors, idiotic insurance companies, deductibles
5. Social Issues: isolated, don't seem to "fit in" anywhere
6. Lack of Transportation which exacerbates social issues because I could get more involved but don't have the wheels.
7. Mental Problems which overshadow everything and are made worse by everything, picture the imagery of a snake consuming itself tail first.

Changed Template

Got tired of the darker color...I like this green. Eventually I'll put all my links and gadgets back.
The lighter shade makes reading posts a little easier too.
My previous post was pretty negative and I feel like I should balance it out with something positive. hmm...nope, can't think of anything.
;^)

Why Bother With Anything?

I have been rabidly playing Champions of Norrath on the PS2 for the last few days...hours at a time. I don't really feel like doing anything else. The things I usually do don't bring me any pleasure right now.
That is typical of depression-you lose interest in things that used to make you happy.
I just don't have the energy for it.
Got a letter from my stupid insurance company, United Healthcare. They denied the one claim because information requested was not provided. I know what they want and I provided it. What do you do when your doctor won't bill properly and your insurance company won't pay? They both expect me to pay.
I had two different forms of insurance and I have to pay? Because of the incompetence of UHC and the Dr.s wife who is also his office manager.
Hey, I'm all for the family business but make sure your wife isn't a halfwit before you put her in charge.
They aren't getting a dime from me. If I had the energy for it, I'd really raise some hell but, like most chronically ill people, I don't have enough energy for the bare basics in life.
In the past, I've prayed to God to help me but I'm feeling kind of standoffish with God right now. Probably another symptom of depression.

Now How To Cash In?

Got this funny thing from another blog. Feel free to rip me off too. lol

My blog is worth $564.54.
How much is your blog worth?

Bitterness

Just read this other blog and started thinking about all that I lack and how imperfect I am...sometimes unwilling to change too.
When I get like this, I get bitter. If you get like that too, don't let the bitterness take root. It will Fuck. You. Up.

BAH!, health, role-playing

I wrote this whole long thing the other day and it comes up "page not found" or something at which point I said "Fuck this" and have not returned until today.
The kidneys are better and I've been taking the antibiotics, only skipped them once which is pretty good for me. I kind of slacked off on drinking lots of water yesterday but I'm back on the wagon, so to speak.
I've got a little "diet" going...I just eat some whole grain whatever for breakfast, low-fat frozen dinner for lunch and a light dinner. No junk food or soda(other than diet) in the house anymore and I get fast food once a week.
That's the plan. It's not set in stone but it's a good guideline to go by. I don't know if I've lost any weight becuase my scale has gone kaput but I feel lighter...that may sound funny but I do feel a little more energetic probably because I am eating quality food...fruit and veggies even! (wow)
I also discovered something that could become another one of life's little pleasures and that is online role-playing. It's called "free form" roleplaying as opposed to the stricter kind where you list your abilities and have to roll dice and what not.
It's more of a social RP and since I love to write and use my imagination, it looks like it might be great fun. I've fashioned a character that has her roots in my personality but is actually different than me...although I am not this character I feel like I'm working through some stuff through her. I think that everything I do comes from my desire to continue to free myself from false beliefs and the negativity that I grew up with, to be more in touch with who I truly am and to know myself better.
When I feel comfortable with myself, I feel more comfortable and accepting with others. That is what I strive for.
Ok, let's see if I can publish this without it fucking vanishing into thin air.

Ooohhh Movies

I joined Netflix and got my first two movies today.
So, I watched Bridget Jones 2 (Edge of Reason). It was very different from the book but as good as the book. This is a rare thing. I really enjoyed it and may watch it a second time. It is a hilarious movie. I like Bridget. I like how she's so goofy and unpretentious. You get more of a sense of it in the book, but she doesn't realize how charming she is. Hugh Grant looked kind of sweaty and unkempt for most of the movie. Colin Firth is still pretty hot. Love those accents.
Next movie is Napoleon Dynomite which I am watching strictly to see if that weird guy ever opens his eyes completely. Know what I mean? lol...looks like a quirky movie too...my favorite type.
Today is day one of antibiotics. I hate them. They make me feel ill. I'm also worried because whenever I laugh or cough I get a pain on each side where my kidneys are. So I'm going to finish the pills, drink lots of cranberry juice (good natural aid for these things) and if it still hurts, back to the Dr. (yecch) Maybe I should take echinacea too. People use it for colds but it's an all around immune-system booster.
This isn't the first kidney problem. I had a kidney stone a few years back. It mercifully "passed" without incident after the initial feeling of being stabbed in the side. As usual, throwing up helped me feel better. I'm telling you, sometimes it really helps to just fucking puke. Lovely thought...
I remember that I had so many people gleefully tell me how much it hurts to "pass" a stone. Illness can bring out the worst in people sometimes.
hmmm....I am thinking of changing the style of this page into a lighter color...

Sickness and Pain

This morning I woke up with an intense pain on my left side in the lower part. It woke me up. That's how bad it was.
So I took a cab to the Dr. and they diagnosed me with an infection, gave me my scrip and sent me on my way.
But it was so horrible sitting there with this awful pain, wanting to beg them to give me a shot or something, praying fervently that God would take it away, feeling so alone in this pain.
I did throw up and that relieved alot of it for some reason...or maybe God chose at that moment to ease it...but it's funny how your whole life can suddenly come into sharp focus on one small part of your anatomy, eclipsing everything else you thought was important.
I was just reading a similar idea in a book called "Ruining It For Everybody." How funny that I had to live out the theory a few days after finishing the book...well, briefly anyway.
So I slept all day and felt utterly alone. But I'm better now.